Thursday, April 21, 2011

“I don’t want to do this,” I half scream at her, half plead to God. “I don’t want to walk this path, I don’t want to be this person, I don’t want to raise this daughter who doesn’t know who she belongs to and sometimes hugs me tight but sometimes pushes me far. I don’t want to let this birth mom live with us, knowing she can leave whenever she pleases and rip these wounds wide open again. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I don’t want to do this,” she sobs into my shoulder. “I don’t want to tell another parent that her child is dead. I don’t want to hold another baby while he struggles to hold on to life, ultimately failing. I don’t want to feel responsible when children in my care die. I can’t do it.”

We sit in the lantern light late into the night and the tears stream. We sit broken and I choke out the ugly words, words that have been there but I have been too appalled to voice, “I think sometimes, I am afraid to trust the will of God.” Ugly sin. All these shortcomings, all these iniquities, I let them flow. “I mean. I do trust Him. But sometimes I am still afraid of what He might bring next.”

We sit long and spill the ugly, inadequate tears and we let His light fill up the holes.

I murmur, thinking out loud. “God did not give me a spirit of fear… perfect love drives out fear… do not be afraid I am with you…” I know these words well; they are etched in my heart. Do I believe them? “Am I dumb enough to think that things would be better if I was in control? That things like this would not happen if I was in control?” It hits me. “If I was in control, I would not send my only child to die for this crazy world.”

I think of Him who would carry my burden. I think of a pool of blood drenching my brokenness and I can hardly stand as I think of Him bent low carrying my sin – that too heavy cross - and all of this.




He knelt in the garden and He prayed, “Abba Father, everything is possible. Take this cup from me.” (Mark 14:35)

“I don’t want to do this.” My Savior. Fully God, but fully human. He knows. He knows sorrow to the point of death, anguish and sweat like great drops of blood, this fear of what might come even at the hand of the Father. “Yet not my will but Yours,” He says. Can we follow His lead?

Yesterday we pressed the blood out of the lamb, the stench enough to make one gag. We kneaded bread free from yeast reminding us to be free from sin – only by the blood of this Savior. We are reminded to run hard from our distrust, “Not my will, Father, but yours.” We eat the bitter green and remember bitterness in life and the way our Savior has just soaked it all up. Remembering all the long way He carried those Isrealites, remembering all the long way He carried that cross, and remembering all the long way He has carried us. Oh, how He has carried us!

Now my tears flow not because I don’t want. I am crying because how can I not when I think of this life blood flowing from His side and Him in such anguish thinking of me, of all of us. I weep knowing that each time I hide my face, refuse to take this cup the Father has given me, I drive those nails deeper and He in great pain hangs there willing.

No. We wont’ hide. Today we approach this cross unworthy and we grab onto the Saviors feet and we cling tight and we let this blood cover and pool and we remember the ugly stench of our sin and we believe that when He rises Sunday we will rise with Him, He will take us by the hands and pull us with Him yet again allowing us to rise into His glory.

Daily I turn my gaze in distrust. Daily I remember the Jesus who already washed clean this mess and I fall to my knees, sorrowful and repentant. How can I not trust? And He reminds me that I must die with Him – not just that once but every single day – choosing to throw off the distrust and walk with Him in the newness of life. Daily. Hourly. Sometimes seemingly every five minutes.

Today I gaze at my Savior and I know: courage is not the absence of fear.

Courage is to say, “I am afraid,” but walk it anyway. Courage is to stand broken and limping and look into these faces around us, His faces, and say, “Not my will but yours Father.” Courage is to say, “I don’t want to do this,” but to grab tight to a slaughtered Son and let His blood pool in my sin-holes and allow Him to pull me with Him into glory.

Today we remember the moment that we were engraved into the palms of His hands and we believe that He holds us there still. Tonight, He dies and I learn to live. To live willing to spill out, spill out and let Him fill.


Praising Jesus for a sister to sit broken with.

52 comments:

Elissa Hill said...

Wow what powerful words! God is good!

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Thank you, for this beautiful post. Hard. But beautiful, none the less.

I, too, am broken ... in pain ... not knowing if I can take any more of the crosses that the Lord has asked me to bear.

Our trials are different ... yet we both struggle in our pain.

Thank you for the reminder, that His pain was oh so much more than we could ever imagine.

I think I will need to re-read this several times this week.

May your Easter be BLESSED!

Laurel :)

Amy Nelson said...

It's amazing how on the other side of the world, someone needed to hear this as a reminder. Thank you for the reminder.

UnveiledDisciple said...

The best Easter meditation I've read this year, Katie. Your pain may be different than mine, but many are the times I've known God was sovereign and doubted his love. Known his power but feared what pain he might allow in my life... tried to protect myself by closing off my emotional world... and yet, how can we not love when when He so loved us...

Shonni said...

All I can say is THANK YOU JESUS! and thank you Katie for sharing your heart.

Emma said...

Such a good post to think and meditate on for Good Friday. Although my life is not as beautifully sacrificial as yours, I too find myself in fear over what God might bring. Trust is so beautiful. Thank you for this post.

Beau said...

My name's Beau, and I'm currently editing a video to promote your book. I've watched the fundraiser video (from the factory in franklin) several times in order to find the heart of your message and i cry every single time. You're a huge inspiration to everyone here at the office. We show what we've cut so far to everyone that comes in. I've had my doubts about Christianity and the Church for a while, but seeing you bring a REAL Jesus to those people reminds me that I can and should do the same here. I cannot fathom what you're going through, but I know that God is so proud of you, proud of your struggle, proud of your fortitude.

missy said...

i've struggled this morning. on this good friday, where do you want my heart, my thoughts, my affections lord? with easter eggs to fill and church clothes to choose and meal preparations, how do i not end up smack dab in the middle of a secular easter celebration? your post was my answer. when i read your words..."Today we remember the moment that we were engraved into the palms of His hands and we believe that He holds us there still. Tonight, He dies and I learn to live. To live willing to spill out, spill out and let Him fill." i had my answer. thank you. praying for god to continue to fill you and spill through you.

Ashley said...

Amazing.

Abby said...

Katie- this is amazing. Jesus in you is so evident. In your brokenness, in your wholeness, in your joy and in your sorrow. when you can't keep going, ask Him to keep carrying you. He already carried the cross. It is finished. He won't leave or forsake you!

MsMills said...

Katie, may the Gospel prove to be His power at work in you today and always!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPIOkdNL-QQ

Ebullire said...

Thank you.

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

I don't want to hide either. Great post!

Butterfly Kisses said...

Such a beautiful post. I too feel incredibly broken and often am distrustful of the Lord's will. So many times, our obedience to trust in the midst of our disbelief is the sacrifice we MUST make. We can't see, but we walk forward. We can't believe, but we share His truth at that very moment anyways. We hurt but we forgive the person who has hurt us. And in those moments, our sweet aroma of sacrifice and obedience pleases the KING and gives HIM glory! Simultaneously, satan is defeated and his power is destroyed!!! Christ is RISEN!

Alisha Darsey said...

Katie, I am in the process of taking a huge step in my faith journey. Thank-you so much for your words of encouragement and for loving the Lord SO WELL. You are a blessing to the world and God is using you mightily. I am so sorry for the pain you experience and the children around you experience day in and day out. I am very thankful you have a friend you can pour out your soul to! I follow her blog too, and I can not tell you enough what beautiful people I think both of you are and how much I would love to meet both of you one day! Thank-you for being real and for serving the Lord! The best is yet to come! With much love!

Mr T said...

Sister thank you, I dont have the words. You are the bride of Christ.

Kat said...

Your words always hit me straight in the heart. Thank you for sharing your life and your heart. Though you are in Uganda, you are truly affecting people all over the world.
Blessings this Easter on you & your family.

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

I remember soo very clearly those feelings....of wanting to have it OVER. To either be told these children are yours forever, or they are going to live with their bio family. One or the other....you wouldn't think it was hard after all the weekly visits had taken place for 3 whole long torturous years....the awful court hearings, they horrible abuse, and yet we were caught in it. There were so many times I wanted it to end. If it were not for the love of Christ I would have marched the children to Office of Community Services and said- I GIVE UP!!! Please do not torture me anymore.

When termination of parental rights kept being put off for silly reasons. When the CASA worker hated us because of our skin color....I begged God for mercy. Weeping and begging seem to become a way of life.

And yet....clinging to HIM!!! Clinging and knowing that it was HIS right to plan....not mine. Oh how hard it was. A million times harder than anything else.

Praying for you sister because I remember the wombs....the infested wombs that reopened every day we had a visit, court case, family meeting. To see our children suffer so deeply. Ripped my heart open.

PRAYING because I so want the pain to go away for you. PRAYING for HIS ALMIGHTY HAND TO COMFORT YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PRAYING.......

Annie said...

Live and let God. You remind me of this daily.

Haley Ballast said...

This is beautiful and heart-breaking and just what I needed to read today. Praying for you Katie.

Haley from Seattle

Anonymous said...

IMO, I don't think that being fearless is "absence of fear", rather that it's recognizing fear for what it is and not letting that fear dictate your actions.

Admit the fear, own it, and move on.
Sometimes getting that fear out into the open helps one "own" it.

Julie said...

A friend sent me the link to your blog. I have been so touched by your writing and your ministry. These words were the ones I needed to hear tonight.

Praising God for the body of believers and how each of us are part of His whole.

Thank you.

Rebekah Sanderson said...

Sweet Katie. You don't know me, but we are sisters in the Lord. I admire you daily and pray for you, your daughters, and your ministry every single day.

From this 21-year-old who is struggling to simply find the path to walk on in order to fully praise her Savior to a 21-year-old woman who has found to calling and is living every part of it, even the hard parts, daily...thank you for the inspiration!!!

YOU ARE LOVED!

Anonymous said...

Katie,
Praise God that you know HIM! Praise God that He alone loves Jane more that you love her! Praise God that he gave His Son to die on the cross for us! You are such an inspiration to me, to my husband and to our family. Your purpose in life goes so far beyond you and God uses you in ways you can't even imagine. Jane is His daughter (as is her birth mother). You do all that you do for Him - not for her. She deserves none of it but God deserves ALL of you and you answer His calling. I pray for you, for your family and specifically for Jane. You are her mom and you are serving God's purpose - never fear. He is Risen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Loving you from a distance - Mommymary2many

Marianne said...

Powerful!

Amanda said...

Thank you so much for your post. Tomorrow I face something I am completely and utterly afraid to face...something that throws me into panic attacks....and your words have reminded me that "On Sunday, we rise with Him". I will remember that line tomorrow as I walk through my valley.

Jenifer said...

Katie,
You are so strong, and beautiful, and brave, and yes, broken...but willing in your brokenness...who could ask for more? I am humbled beyond words by you. While there are days when you question everything, realize often that you are a complete INSPIRATION of LOVE to all of us. I have no words for the breadth of your shining presence in this fallen world. You are so young, yet so wise. God's blessings falling over you all, every day...I pray this always.
Love to you,
Jenifer

Sharon Townsend said...

Thank you Katie for being vulnerable and honest and sharing the ugly beautiful that is Christ's working in our broken bodies! We are praying for your ministry and courage.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, but you are one of my role models on this world. I love you so much and am praying for you.
Honestly, I don't know what to say. I've never experienced anything like this.

There are many people you don't know who God has put it in their hearts to read and pray for you, rest assured.

Catherine said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing this. What joy to know that we walk dead to ourselves and alive in Him. Thank you for being a living example of this.

Allison said...

Amen. I read every post you make and pray with tears streaming down my face for you and those who serve Christ as you do.
I am amazed all the time by your commitment and the ability you have in Christ to do what you do every day.

Anonymous said...

Thank you.

David and Janet Hurley said...

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing, it is exactly wha I needed to hear this Easter.

jeanne said...

Katie, may the Lord wrap His loving arms around you and may you FEEL him like you've never felt Him before. You know the Lord in a way I may never because of the charge He has given you. I offer my prayers and love from afar but prayers that I know reach you. So, in essence I am touching you. Bless you on the early morning hours of Easter - He is Risen!!

MouseC said...

Thank you for your openness & honesty. Praying for you both.

Jen said...

Hosanna! God bless you.

Keith Street said...

Keep touching. Keep listening. Keep looking into their eyes. Keep listening to their hearts. Smile and sing a song into their souls. You honor Jesus. Your service, your tears, your sweat, your voice, reverb His presence. Your waking up, reaching out, leaning over, trusts Him. Sometimes action is the greatest form of trust. Do not growing weary in well doing, because it will pay off. It will pay dividends in the lives of your children. They have seen and heard the "least of these" and must know the smile of Jesus. I, this day, rise up and call you blessed!

LuongFamily said...

thank you for writing this. it was something i needed to hear.

Anonymous said...

Katie,May you have blessed Easter and May His will be done on earth as it is done in Heaven! Ephesians 1:13-23 is my prayer for you. You have been a blessing to me.Love in Christ, vivienne

Amor vincit omnia said...

katie may you be filled with the spirit today. a spirit of courage and peace and strength because of your vulurnability to be weak. may the morning break free in your heart as you are filled with the Holy Spirit. may you be blessed. may God see the precise needs that you have called to Him and may He fill your cup until it is overflowing with joy. tears fall down my face reading this post because across the world, there is someone struggling with the same questions i am. God is so close to you. our God is one who takes broken things and makes them beautiful. when things fail and break and die in our world, we have hope that God sees the eternal and is always there to save the day. I am praying for you Katie. that God would be close to you and give you peace. That you would be able to feel His presence. Today, is a new day. Those three days were dark and painful. and they seem like an eternity and have no answers. but dawn will come every time. thank you for allowing Christ to work through you to love those around you.

CasieRae said...

Thank you for sharing your heart.

Maddie said...

I love what you do! We adopted a 4 year old boy. And it is so cool to see what you can do. I have a blog that i am going to give kids all over the world boxes of toys and more! So here it is.


http://loveatleast1person.blogspot.com/
Hope you like it. and if you had any ideas for me what they like you may comment on my blog!

God Bless

Maddie L.

Julie Pederson said...

Katie,

What do I need with all my devotion books when I have your blog? Oh, how you bless me! I have felt the things you describe so many times in the past few years...not sure if I trust my Lord....and then knowing that I do trust him, but I'm afraid of what he might have planned next. Knowing now that the pain of the past has brought me close to Him, has been used to bring me to a whole new place of faith. I even get to the point where I think I would not change what I've been through because of where God has brought me. But, even then, I feel unwilling to face more pain. Even knowing how close he will hold me. I'm often reminded of the story in Mark 9 where a father brings his mute, demon-possessed son to Jesus and tells him, "But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes."
Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief." So, that is what I cry out...quite often..."Lord, I do believe; help my unbelief."

I love that you celebrate Passover! God bless you, Katie...I mean REALLY REALLY bless you and keep you and protect you.

Blessings,
Julie
Colorado

Lucas Walsh said...

My fiancé and I have been reading your blog for some time now. You are such an inspiration, a blessing for those who know you. You are such a humbled god-fearing woman and it shows in your posts. I am truly thankful for you and your poetic words. We pray for you constantly! God bless and God speed!

Heather Russell said...

Katie, know that God is using you, your pain, your brokenness, your conclusions to challenge and stir up the apathy in the "church" here in NA and probably the world. He is calling His bride out and stirring in her to remember His call, His commands, His heart. You have been used in your challenging us and laying your heart bare and choosing to obey. We are being awakened to the same obedience, looking for His desire, loosing our life daily in our present situations (instead of saving our lives) and asking for His direction for taking up our cross to follow Him in new ways He has for us. Be grateful for the ways He is using you beyond what you can see in front of you. Thank you Katie for helping us to glorify Him!

maureen said...

Thank you for every word you have written on this blog. I found a link to it 3 days ago and have been reading from the beginning! I have 4 adopted girls and have felt some of the feelings you are feeling, but you are so amazing...your faith is so amazing and God's light shines from your words.

Thank you so much for sharing. As I read your words for the past few days I kept thinking to myself "This is a book!" I am so happy to read that you are being published and I can't wait to read your book.

Blessings,

Maureen

Anonymous said...

Once again your story and your writings so move me and see God standing right next to you, right next to me, right next to all of us. God bless you!

Anonymous said...

Katie you are amazing...your strength is huge, which ONLY comes from the Lord. You are a great example of how a servant of God looks like. Yet we are human and struggles we absorb physically, emotionally and spiritually. BUT we have a SAVIOR who is merciful and ever so faithful, caring loving, compassionate and so understands our circumstances, you serve a GREAT God Katie. Keep perservering and know many cover you with prayer. You are a great example for us all. All my love. Stay connected.

Laurie Price said...

sweet girl, God has you in His Hands. And just to let you know, it blessed the socks off of my daughter just to be able to spend some time with you. Morgan is arriving home tonight after over two months loving in Africa-you were her inspiration, God is her Motivation. Thank you for all you say, all you do, in the name of the Lord. I thank Him that he places people like you in the path of my daughter.....may the peace that passes all understanding settle your sweet heart in all your trials and joys....Laurie

Anonymous said...

yep...yep sweet friend. broken and sometimes so not wanting to "do" life and afraid of what might come next....but broken and clinging to our slaughtered savior. Thanks for the reminder tonight.

love you
brandi

captivated said...

Katie,
I have been reading your blog for a long time and I am so encouraged and inspired by your story and all the Lord has done through you. What you said about courage has really helped me, because alot of times I am afraid even though I know I'm called to go to all nations to spread the gospel. The key is holding on to Jesus and saying: "in Your strength only and not my own" thank you for posting this. I hope that one day I can come and serve with your ministry!

Anonymous said...

one of my favorite lyrics: 'if tomorrow means my death, pray Youll save their souls with it'