Thankful

The Holidays are fast approaching and a part of my heart is missing. Just the thought of spending Christmas without my precious ones is enough to break me. But I look around and know that I have so much to be thankful for. So much to praise for.

I am thankful for my mother who will do anything to help, who keeps me organized when I cannot fathom organization, who is always there to talk to and to cry on and to laugh with, who taught me how to love with my whole heart.

I am thankful for my father who is supportive even when he doesn't understand, helps me so much with all the big business concepts I don't understand, and whose unconditional love is such a constant reminder of the Heavenly Father's.

I am thankful for my little brother who is my best friend, who will come sleep in my bed just to keep me company, who can always make me laugh and will listen to stories about Uganda or college or anything else, even if he could care less, just because he's awesome.

I am thankful for my sweet boyfriend, Ben - and this is where all the questions come in... how could I possibly have a boyfriend, is he also passionate about missions, where is he, blah, blah - Well for all you wonderers: Ben is a fabulous athlete on a track scholarship at the University of Florida. We started dating in high school and he came to visit Uganda last Christmas. He is living his passion; I am live mine. The question of whether we will ultimately live happily ever after, I don't know the answer to, though I would be thrilled. The outcome is up to God, and I am not concerned because I know that ultimately His plan for both of us will prevail. Until then, Ben is my constant support. He is one of the few people in my life who instead of saying "you're crazy" says "let's pray about that". Maybe he doesn't always get it, but he always listens anyway. I am blessed by him daily.

My family: Mom, me, Ben, Brad, and Daddy

I am thankful for my darling roommate Meredith, talk about a sweet heart that really KNOWS how to love people. She spends so much of her time caring for the people around her (myself included!) and is always ready to help a friend in need. She is a little missionary right here in Nashville and a woman after God's heart. I have learned so much from her about truly "blooming where we are planted." She always listens and always encourages me to go where God is leading my heart, even if it is away from her.

The best roommate EVER

I am thankful for the May family. Supposedly, I work for this family. What really happens is I go there after class, cuddle with their sweet little ones Sophie and Dylan, play the piano and do homework with the older ones Connor and Jackson, hang out with and talk to Amy and Phil, and leave with a full heart and usually a full belly. Every day at the May house I get to see and hold little miracles. I only hope I can bless them half as much as they have blessed me.

Their oldest, Jackson, and I on Halloween as The Joker and Catwoman

I am thankful for the Oatsvalls and the Mayernicks, most especially Gwen and Suzanne, my "administrative assistants" and soul sisters. These beautiful women have enriched my life in such a way that i can hardly explain - they are a whole other post in itself. They know what it is to live better, forgetting about what the world says and only taking to heart what God says. They are two of the most passionate, Godly women, aside from my mom, that I have ever met, and they know my heart for orphans. They have opened their arms, their homes and their lives to me and are now walking every step of the journey with me: helping fund raise, getting excited each time a check comes in the mail, returning phone calls and emails, and listening and supporting through all the turbulent emotions that are mine on a daily basis. If I don't see them in person, I talk to them on a daily basis. I never want to imagine my life without these women who understand my soul.

Gwen, me, Suzanne at one of many fund raising (and more importantly chocolate cake..) parties!

I am thankful for Uganda. For my children who have forever changed my heart. Sometimes in order to live in this environment that is Nashville, Tennessee, it would be much easier not to know the hurts of the world. But I am always thankful that I know. I do realize that it is not common for a 20 year old to know so strongly what her purpose from the Lord is, and while every once in a while this feels like a burden, every day it is a joy. I am thankful for that joy. Proverbs 24 says that "once our eyes have been opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know and hold us responsible to act." While it is a great hurt and great responsibility to know that there are 150 million orphans in the world right this moment as I sit in the comfort of my own home, I am so thankful to be a part of the responsibility. I am thankful that my eyes have been opened.

A few of my sweet girls who, due to God's beautiful plan for my life and theirs, are no longer part of the orphan statistic. They long with me for the day that there will be no "orphan statistic" and all children will have the opportunity to grow and be loved as they have. I am thankful for that hope and that promise.

To all who have gone out of their way to help me, sent donation, sent letters of encouragement, and sent prayers: I am thankful for YOU. Some of you have been with me one this journey from day one and some of your are just joining, but I assure you, you are part of this work. I do not and could not do this alone. Every prayer is felt, every encouragement so appreciated. Together we are going to change that statistic. Happy Thanksgiving.

i know it has been too long since i have posted.
as you can imagine, with 19 hours of college, as many hours of work as i can handle, and squeezing in fund raising in all my "free time" blogging has taken a back seat in my life.
but your comments are read and greatly appreciated, and your prayers are truly felt. your donations of even what seems a small amount are being wired immediately to feed hungry children.

i turned twenty sunday and marveled at the last year of my life. between nineteen and twenty i have learned to be a teacher, a nurse, a handyman (plumbing and electrical work included), a cook, an exterminator, a maid, a servant, a mentor, a mother, and most importantly a daughter of the King. i have built for myself a home with an adoring family and started a thus-far-successful (only by the grace of God!) business that is helping people in need. and the thing is that while it has been my hands doing the work, I HAVE DONE NONE OF IT. often people ask me how i do it, and the answer is so simple - i don't. a little coffee and a whole LOT of Jesus. this plan, these "accomplishments", they are so not my own.

i am dependent. powerless. weak. drowning. and while all those adjectives should sound scary, they have me in a beautiful place: a place where i can't go one minute without crying out to my Father or i will sink. i am grateful for this place. paul says in his letter to the philippians that he "knows the secret". he has been well fed and he has been starving. he has lived in abundance and he has lived with nothing. his revelation? that he can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens. sometimes i wish that i was still living in the hungry, needy state in which i lived in uganda. sometimes i feel that it is easier to cling to Jesus in that state of having nothing than it is to cling to him in my current state of abundance. but the thing is, although i am not physically hungry or in need, my soul is thirstier than ever. and paul's secret remains true; as i let Him strengthen me, there is nothing He cannot accomplish through me.

i owe great thanks to many who have helped me on this journey.

to those of you who keep pursuing me, you are truly servants. i know that in my consumption with doing his work i have been neglectful, unable to do anything at night but fall into bed without returning the seven phone calls and 40 emails of the day. thank you for not giving up. it is such a huge encouragement to me when people like Pastor Steve, who i have neglected to call back, call and remind me that they are doing everything in their power to help, when people like Erin email their constant encouragement and continue offering to help even when i haven't given them much to do yet, when people like my best friend caroline will drive home from knoxville to see me even when i haven't returned a phone call in two weeks. YOU are showing me the unconditional love of Christ, and i am grateful. so so extremely grateful.

to those of you who have allowed me to become family, to sit on your couch and snuggle your children while i talk about mine, the oatsvalls, the mayernicks and the mays, thank you is not enough for the love that you have shown me!

for all who are donating and praying, the faithfulness of the Lord is evident to me THROUGH YOU every single day. you are a part of my miracle! please continue with me in being His hands and feet.

i can't wait to see what happens between now and twenty-one...

learning to be a nurse.. one of many many de-worming trips

yes, all five were delivered from one mother, and yes we were shocked when they just kept coming! each weighed about a pound and a half.

my house before it became "home..."

supply kits for sponsored children: school supplies, blanket, mosquito net, Bible...

one of my first experiences with cooking meat like a ugandan....

picking rocks out of the beans is now one of my favorite pastimes, a great opportunity to just sit and praise!


the finished product.. ready to feed as many as we can, usually around 150-200 hungry kiddos!


some of the kids getting ready for their first day of school, January 2, 2008

and of course my all time favorite role is that of Mommy! (baptism day)

I will not leave you as orphans;

I am coming to you...

Because I live, you also will live.

John 14:18-19

if my people PRAY...

most of you who have been on this journey have been able to watch me go from a little "brentwood girl" who loved shoe shopping and her yellow car, who relied on God a little but mostly on her cell phone and her money and her mommy and daddy, to a woman, all alone in a foreign land, with nothing to rely on but The Lord Almighty. you have laughed and cried with me as i have put my trust in God to do the little things like kill the bat in the shower or hold off the rain on a long walk home, and the big things like heal my dying children and provide guidance for each step i take on this path. He has provided unfailingly. sometimes in the way i expected, and sometimes in a way quite His own and so much better. it doesn't change the fact: HE HAS PROVIDED UNFAILINGLY.

oh, but i am a human, and ever so slow to learn. some days i just marvel at His patience with me. i have often wondered since re-entering the US why i feel such great culture shock. how can i feel such a disconnect with the place i was born, raised, and for 18 years called home? i have blamed it on many things. american extravagance. the grocery store that almost sends me into panic attack mode due to the sheer quantity and variety of foods. people building million dollar homes. a lack of understanding and a lack of thanksgiving on the part of all of us. the ease with which we receive medical care. the amount of STUFF that just clutters our lives.

it hit me just the other day like a rock on the head. all these things make it difficult to readjust, yes. but what has been the big shock to my system, the huge disconnect, is that i have stepped out of my reliance on God to meet my needs. if i am sick i go to the drug store or doctor. if i am hungry i go to the grocery, need to get somewhere, get in my car, need some advice or guidance, call my mom or go plop on my roommate's bed, want to feel happy, get ben or brad to make me laugh. i keep forgetting to ask God first to heal me, to fill me, to guide me, to rejoice with me. i have to set aside "time to pray" in the morning and at night instead of being in CONSTANT COMMUNICATION with Him. as i sit here writing, i am frustrated at my own stupidity, my human willingness to step back into a place i swore i detested.

for a split second this weekend, my world was shattered. my best friend in the universe, who is going to be a very successful accountant one day in the near future, asked if she could take a look at the ministry's finances, practice on them (this was a blessing to me also as sometimes i am not quite as organized as i would like to be). to say the least, she was baffled. how was this even working? out of 150 children that need to go to school, only 44 are sponsored. that means that the other kids are going to school on donations, or my savings. i still owe ugandan schools about 8,000 dollars to finish this term which will end in december, not to mention that the rent on the house is due next month. she couldn't figure out logically how this could work. if i couldn't even finish paying for this school year, how was i going to pay for 2009? if sponsorship money only covered the cost of school fees, how was i going to continue to pay my overhead? my very un-business-like answer was, "so far, we have made ends meet. the money just always comes by the end of the month." i think she wanted to laugh at me, but i love her for not doing it. she explained to me, as so many others, my very wise father included, that this was not possible. i would have to cut back. that only the 44 children who actually have sponsors will be able to continue school in 2009, the rest of the money raised will go to paying off debt we owe the other schools and then as we have savings we can expand to more children. the idea of telling 106 children that not only could they no longer go to school but also that i would not be feeding them or providing their medical care was something i couldn't even imagine. my mind raced. i held my composure until she left and then broke down in tears.

that is when God yelled at me. the rock hit me on the head. i never chose these 150 children, God gave them to me. i never planned to send them all to school, He did. its not me who is carrying all this out, it is our Lord for whom all things, ALL THINGS are possible! i could just see Him up there laughing at me. "Oh, you of little faith! ASK ANYTHING IN MY NAME AND YOU IT WILL BE GRANTED YOU!" i had become so concerned about how I was going to continue to provide for these kids that i has forgotten that it wasn't even supposed to me me who was providing! i had been so busy working to raise money, that i had forgotten to keep asking Him. i literally fell to my knees. i am not cutting back. i am not telling 106 kids that they are not going to school next year. why would i do that? look at the last year. has God ever failed to provide EXACTLY what is needed? no. why then, would i ever believe that He is not going to provide this time?! i fell to my knees. i begged for forgiveness. i promised to do better. i began fasting and praying fervently for his continued provision. since then 13 children have been sponsored, 3 new fundraising dinners have been set up. friends have rallied around me asking what they can do to help. i did nothing but pray. i am no longer fasting but i have resumed my constant communication with God. He gave me this life, why wouldn't he want to be involved in every minute of it?

i have written this long story that you may be encouraged. make a conscious effort today not to set aside "time to pray" but to live in CONSTANT PRAYER. all you have to do is ask. ask and believe that nothing is too small or too big for your Lord. HE WILL SHOW UP. just make sure you invite Him!

70,000 dollars will pay off our debt for this year and send all 150 children to school the whole of next year with money left over for food, water, electricity and medical care. i BELIEVE that God will finish this good work that He started. i KNOW that He is faithful. pray with me. KNOW with me.


for all of you out there praying for a miracle (davis family!) - keep presenting your extravagant requests to God.

MIRACLES HAPPEN.

to sponsor a child look to the right side of the blog under "blog archive" and find the July 3 post.

to donate to help us finish out this year make a check for any amount payable to Amazima Ministries and send it to Amazima Ministries International, 1694 Autumn Place, Brentwood, TN 37027.

thank you to my supportive friends, and all of you who are prayer warriors for us right now. you are instrumental in this great plan, what a blessing!

and there it was.

"God sets the lonely in families..." Psalm 68:6

the last week has been filled with encouragement. it doesn't make it hurt any less, but it lifts my heart to a place where the hurt is at least tolerable. i feel and see God working. i hate that my time in the US away from my kids is necessary. but with each new encouragement, each new person that gets involved or old friend that is still excited about helping me, i fell God's purpose for my time here. to everyone who has donated money, time, resources, or just a word of encouragement, thank you. you have been a family to one very lonely girl.

* * *

on sundays i go to my parent's catholic church where i grew up. my favorite part of the mass is communion, and i never miss a chance to pass it out. being able to look into each person's eyes and know that on some level, they are experiencing the same hurt that i am, the same joy that i am, the same separation from the Maker that we long to be with, is the greatest blessing. this week as i was giving communion to one lady in the long line of people, she looked at me and said "Welcome home." i don't know this woman, but for that instant she knew me. and she said "Welcome home." it was as if a flood gate broke open from back behind my eyes and the tears came in an unstoppable river. "Welcome home." i wanted to ask her, "where is home?"

i have come to the realization that i am somewhat of a nomad on this earth. i am learning to be ok with that. human beings long for a place to call home, a nest, a sanctuary of their own. i have many and none. for so long my parent's house was my "home", my safe place, and now is a place where i feel strangely disconnected. my apartment is "home" for now, but doesn't feel personal yet. my room there is plastered with pictures of my children in my other "home" in uganda, the only home that truly feels like MY place, the only home that i created for myself, and yet a place that i cannot be.

"Welcome home," she said. and in my mind ten little bald, brown people ran toward me shrieking, "MOMMY, WELCOME HOOOOOME!" and squeezed me until i threatened to burst. my heart lives in so many places. with so many people. but God whispers to me that i really only have one home, and that is with Him. i will never be content here. i will always be a nomad. it was meant to be that way. my heart was created with a desire for a home, a nest, a sanctuary, and that can only be found with Him in Heaven. and i will continue bouncing from one home to another, loving with everything i have in whatever location i am currently residing, excitedly awaiting the day when I am called heavenward and He says to me, "Welcome HOME."

It was a cold, rainy night as I headed out of the supermarket on Main Street. Huddled on the street corner was a little boy, sopping wet and shivering. \at the moment, all I really wanted to think about was getting home, getting dry, and crawling into my little bed, but a voice inside told me to stop. I took the little boy inside the supermarket to dry off a bit and bought him some biscuits and juice. I gave him my sweatshirt, a small wooden cross that I carry in my pocket, and some change for his ride home. As he left, he called out, “What is your name?” “Katie,” I responded, “Auntie Katie.” “Me, I am Daniel!” he shouted, and he disappeared into the night. That was almost a year ago.

Today as I walked into the supermarket to buy food for my family, two small brown arms wrapped around me, and a little voice excitedly proclaimed “Auntie Katie!” I turned to see a beaming Daniel. “Wait!” he said. He hurried to the nearest street vendor and bought me a popsicle with the little pocket change he had. He dug into his pocket and pulled out the small wooden cross. “I have never stopped praying for you every day,” he grinned.

I stand amazed at the goodness of our God. That rainy night, I really just wanted to hop on my piki and go home. But I stopped. I only gave him a sweatshirt (I’m sure I have 8 more). I only gave him some cheap biscuits (I can eat biscuits any day I like). I only gave him enough money for his ride home (probably less than the equivalent of 50 cents). But Jesus gave him hope. And he remembered. He didn’t just remember my face, though I’m not sure how he could even see me in the dark; he remembered my name. He prayed for me. He prayed for my safety and for the opportunity to see me again. I blessed him just one cold night, and he blessed me every day after that for this whole year.

Please. Never underestimate the power of your kindness.

this is what its like to be an african mamma...