Tuesday, November 2, 2010



I’ve written this in my head a thousand times. A thousand times, words have failed.

For over a year, I have been mom to 14. Today, my heart is still in love with 14 beautiful little girls, but only 13 of them are in my home. Only 13 are sitting at my table for breakfast. Only 13 are being reminded to brush their teeth. Only 13 are putting on pjs and being tucked snug in bed. Today, only 13 little voices are screaming “happy birthday” to me.

The story is long and intense and messy. And right now, the story is ours to keep and to process. In short, Jane’s birthmother who abandoned her with an auntie when she was just a baby, showed up wanting her child. Obviously, my heart doubted that this would be the best thing for my baby – she’s been mine for two years and was completely uncared for before that. We had everything in our favor. We had all the proof, everything on our side. And custody was granted to the birthmother. It involved horrible things like seeing my baby with her formerly soft shiny hair filthy and matted together and driving six hours home to tell her “twin” sister and the others that she would not be coming home. There were moments that I thought I wouldn’t breathe again, and there still are.

I was so proud of my baby girl. She was so brave. So big. So beautiful. She stuck a flower in her hair and entertained her baby sister while lawyers argued. She held her head high and she tried to smile. She shared her ice cream with anyone who wanted some. She told me not to cry, that it would be ok. She is only 4. I am so proud of her, my baby. So strong.

The Lord is here and He is telling me things and a part of me just doesn’t want to listen. I do not want to be this person. I do not want to be a woman who has to grieve the loss of her child. I do not want to have to walk my children through the sorrow and the trauma of losing a sister. And here I am. I do not want to get out of bed and I do not want to breathe. But I will. I do. For thirteen more.

I looked at her as I walked away and I knew the Lord was telling me that we loved her back to life. I knew He was telling me that she knows His love and that He will go with her where I can’t. We stood in the gap for Jane. We spoke up for her when she could not speak up for herself. I fought. So I trust. I cling to His promises. I believe Him.

People have been praying. So many people praying so hard. And I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I can feel it. I don’t want to feel at peace, I want to crumple on the floor, but I feel my arms being lifted. I know that the loss of a sister will mold and shape each one of my children, but I know the way their mother reacts to it will too. So we sit on the floor and we squeeze each other’s hands and we cry and we beg God for mercy. We beg and plead for Him to keep our little sister safe, happy and strong. We praise Him because He is God, because He knit this family together, because we know and believe that He will be glorified. We ask for your continued prayers. For precious Jane. For us. For what, I am not exactly sure. We will all grieve differently and need differently and God will meet these needs according to his glorious riches. He has already started. I wrote last that my family wants to go to the hard places for Jesus. I had no idea the hard place He was going to take us to. Still, our only desire is that He be glorified.

14 pairs of sandals. 14 church dresses. 14 twin beds. Jesus, fill this emptiness.

I will choose praise. I will choose thanks. I will choose today to put one foot in front of the other with 13 in my home and 14 in my heart.

265 comments:

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Anonymous said...

Hi Katie,
I am new to your blog. I wanted to let you know that when I was 5 years old a beautiful Christian family had every intention of adopting me and my biological mother changed her mind. The Dunmires fought hard and still I was returned to my biological mother at age 7. Yes, this was painful and no one understood it all. I can say that God protected me when I needed it, His Holy Spirit prompted when I was in danger, and through all of the trials I faced God never let go of me. I was returned back to his care through college friends who were witness of his love. Your prayers and your love will ALWAYS LAST!!!! Your love is like the crashing waves in the ocean that will affect her life forever. When I was 18 years old I was reunited with the Dunmires and I now share my children with David and his new wife Pam. Patsy Dunmire passed away shortly after our reunion of breast cancer.
David and Pam are known as Grandma and Grandpa to my children.
My biological mother was baptized and born again 6 years ago and I was reunited with my biological brother and he has given his life to Christ as well. I hope my testimony will breathe life into your soul. I pray with tears for you. Love, DeAnna Morefield

1Jesus Girl said...

praying

elli said...

Oh my dear I am so sorry. I will continue to keep your whole family in my prayers. How often are we called to walk paths we could not have foreseen? I'm sorry.

Melissa K* said...

I weep along with you as I read. I am a foster mom here in the states. I am about to say goodbye to my 2 babies after 19 months. I know the situations don't compare with the extent of poverty present in Uganda, but my heart breaks to see what will be for my babies and what could be (from my worldly perspective). But, like you, I trust. I trust that my Savior loves my babies more than me and that His plan is perfect. I trust that God gave them to me for a set time and just called me to be faithful with the time I had. And I pray, that one day that I will be sitting in heaven fellowshiping with my babies. I might not have them for a lifetime on this Earth, but I pray I have an eternity with them. That is my prayer for you and your little girl.

Mike, London said...

Dear Katie, Your loss is unimaginable. I watched my stepmother lose a son, my brother, and I learned that there is no pain like that felt by a mother at the loss of child.

My family has prayed for you and your family, for Jane and her birth family, and we will continue to do so. Your whole testimony is filled with evidence of the fruit of being truly obedient to God’s word. This fruit is what inspires us, your readers and prayer warriors. When I read about Jane, my mind immediately went back to Sumini’s story in late 2009 http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2009_01_01_archive.html You have shown us again and again that obedience requires total trust in God’s plan.

I know that God is using you, using Jane, using his impact on your lives to impact others for his kingdom. Your tears will bear fruit. I just pray that the pain that you suffer is minimised.

God bless you Katie, and your girls - especially Jane. She is so young to be given a mission of her own, but Sumini will testify that no one is ever too young for God to use them. Thank you for your faithfulness and example.

Kellee said...

Katie,
I have been following your blog for a while, and while I don't know you I feel as if we are friends. I see your heart and you inspire and amaze me always.
I know you must be going through a season of heartbreak. These words have been on my heart to share with you. It's from Desert Song by Hillsong:

"All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have reason to sing
I have a reason to worship"

Praying for you and for God to constantly be with you reminding you of His everlasting love. I hope that you can remember that He is with you through this season of hurt and that He is with you always.

Liz said...

Praying for you all, from London, England.
Liz x
www.trulygoodwoman.blogspot.com

Ashley said...

Katie! She is such a light! I'm praying for you and your family but just remember a light on a hill can not be hidden! She is going to shine for so many people to see! I know you are one proud Mom.. Praying, praying, praying that the Lord draws near and fills you with His holy spirit like never before!!! -Much LOVE!! <3
p.s. made out a check today and sent it to your house to help in the adoptions :)

Matt5verse6 said...

I will be praying for you and your 14 children and weeping with you (Romans 12:15). I have worked as a volunteer child advocate in the foster care system and understand (to a certain degree) your heartache and pain. At times it has been so hard for me to let go and know God is in control and (as you said) goes (with the child) where others cannot. I am not comparing or playing down your emotions... I am simply trying to say, "I can empathize with you" (on some levels) and will be praying.

Kindest regards,
Brook
www.Matt5verse6.blogspot.com

Thank you for sharing you heart.

Unknown said...

Katie, this is the first time I have read your blog. I am crying with you. I am a single foster and adoptive mother in Memphis, TN. I have been blessed that the Lord has allowed me to keep both my little ones permanently. But I praise Him for your heart, I understand it. I have prepared my heart twice now to reunify "my" babies with their birth mother's and twice He has responded with grace, but a day is coming when I will let go and no longer hold "my" babies in my arms. i will tell you what comforts me...my dad always said of my brother and I that we were not His, but God's. He said that he would be a good steward of what the Lord has given him for however long, and he reminds me constantly that my babies are not "mine" but HIS, entrusted to me only for this time. So I pray that with each new day you and I both would grow to pour graciously into our "babies" for the time that they are granted to us. Thank you for answering the call, for being about James 1:27, for being brave enough to answer the call. Please know that I walk this path with you as a fellow sister and sojourner in the truth. I pray also that the Lord will bring your 14th; there is another child awaiting your love and the healing of those sisters, another heart to heal, another life to bandage, another life needing the breath that only the Love of Jesus can bring...may He so do it in His time.

Amber said...

Katie,

I only mimic the words of everyone else. I am interceding now!! I pray the arms of Christ give you and Jane and extra squeeze today and in the days ahead.

K said...

My husband just sent this to me. I'm a foster mom and, on certain levels, I can relate. Praying for you today and in the coming days and for each of your 14 girls.

Anonymous said...

Katie,
We are praying for you and I pray that the Holy Spirit will be your comforter in this time of loss.
Keep on keeping on with HIM!

Anonymous said...

praying for you...may HE be your comfort in your loss

Michelle said...

Thank you for being God's hands and feet to these little girls. We are thinking and praying for you daily. I have two girls myself that are 9 and 10. I will have them pray for your girls at bedtime from now on. God Bless.

Unknown said...

Katie,
Two words come to mind: Courage and relentless. Courage-reliance on God's presence and power. I pray that you will have the courage ordained by God to continue to mother those beautiful children and through the strength of the Holy Spirit in you strengthen them in the loss you are all experiencing. I pray that you will continue to be relentless - pursuing God - pursuing people - as you have been doing. You are such a blessing in this world!

Elora said...

Oh my word.

Praying...praying...praying.

"Now comfort me so I can live...really live. Your your revelation is the tune I dance to"
Psalm 119:77

Anonymous said...

You and your 14 children are in my prayers - even though Jane is not with you - your prayers are with her. Yours and her God is with her. I cannot imagine what you are going through, though as a mother, when you are not able to help your children, to reach them - it about tears all the peace out from within you but for God. I pray that God stay with you that God stay with Jane that God stay with your other children and give you moments of grace and peace!

Christ is My Hope said...

you are such an amazing woman. you may never get to read this, but you know you are doing what God is asking of you. Your in my prayers as well as your children. Your tears are being shared with us all. Thank you for allowing us to share your heartbreak with you. Community is always needed.

Sarah said...

Praying for you and your girls, especially Jane. Your strength, courage, love, faith and sacrifice truly shine through this post. The wonderful part is that none of those things come from you, but our Father above. What he has already given you in those areas, I pray an extra measure will be given to you as you move forward in this tough time.

I want to encourage you, too. Your beautiful daughter, who's Father has allowed her to be with her birth mother, gave you a gift by giving her to you. He also gave you a gift by allowing you to give her the gift of LIFE. You brought her back to life physically, and you allowed her to know her Lord Jesus. I pray that she will live life to the full. Katie, you have taught your children how to love well. The stories of them finding more people to help are precious. They learned this from the example their mamma set by letting the Lord direct her path. Jane is one of your she has seen and known your love and faith. I pray that she would continue to be protected by the Lord, continue to love like the Davis family loves, and continue to hear God's voice loudly no matter how loud the noises of this world may grow around her.

Finally, I just pray. For the things I cannot express in words. I know the spirit wil intercede on my behalf. (Romans 8:26-27). I pray that you will be able to trust that the spirit also intercedes for you and your precious little ones.

Debb said...

Oh.My.Goodness. I can hardly believe what I read in this post! Bless you for clinging to God's promises that He WILL bring good out of this! Bless little Miss Jane. For being so stoic with her sisters. And you. May God continue to lift you and each one of your fourteen little girls. He knows what each of you need in your own grief process. Keep looking up, Katie. You WILL see His good will in this. One day. Until that glimpse, may each of you be able to rest in His mercy and peace. In His love. He loves Jane even more than you do, my friend, and He WILL watch over her! He will continue to love, protect and nurture each one of you. Blessings to you all ~

Becky said...

Praying for you and the girls with a broken heart. Sometimes there are no words...sometimes you just need to grieve and let the love of Jesus hold you.

Soniin said...

Oh sweet dear Katie, I just learned of your blog last night and found you. My heart so aches for you and your children and Jane. I went to bed crying out to the Father for you and yours. It is so hard to understand why some have no chance at life. Why disease and poverty and death are everywhere. I will continue to lift you and yours up and support. My 2nd daughter and her husband who have two bio girls 4 and 7 just recieved the referal from their adoption agency for two brothers in Ethiopia that are 2, 4 yrs. They may have their boys by Easter! What a blessing and delight! I wonder though, why these two children. Why are there not families to help all the children? God is good though and we are in awe of His provision. Hugs and love from Texas :)

Keisha Suzanne said...

Katie-
I pray that Jesus who still embraces your daughter each and every day will also embrace you and the 13 Jane left behind in your home. I pray that God will be your strength when you are weak and that treasure that you seek- I know you do.

I pray that Jane will carry the torch of "light" into the darkness of her family and that God can and will start a revival among her birth mom and extended family 6 hours away. I pray that the truth you were able to impart into her life, will be the truth she shouts from the root top for others to hear now until the end.

I pray that you will be encouraged during this time of pain and sadness.

She is alive because of your love and she will share that "life" and "Love" with others who need it most in a region in Uganda you may not be able to reach, but through YOU- God is making a way to reach that village, tribe, and family.

-kg

Emily Joy said...

Praying so much!

Beth said...

Dear Katie,

God can do ANYTHING! And He is merciful! And He loves you and little Jane more than we can even imagine! Yes, oh yes, He is with you and with her and when we all meet together in His Complete Joyful Presence, we will say "GOD, YOU ARE A GENIUS! OF COURSE YOU KNEW BETTER! THANK YOU FOR LOVING US SO MUCH! THANK YOU FOR THINKING TO DO THAT THING THAT I THOUGHT SO AWFUL AND SO OBVIOUSLY WRONG BUT WAS SO RIGHT! I LOVE YOU, TOO! HOW CAN I EVER SHOW YOU?" But unlike most of us, dear Katie, Our Lord will say, "Oh, but you did show me how much you loved me. Thank you, little one."

jeanne said...

With much anticipation I've been waiting on a post and knew something was 'up' that you hadn't posted in so long. It seemed long to me anyway. I'm so sorry for your loss. Do not discount what the Lord has put into Jane through you. She will never forget the love and kindness you gave her even if for a short while.

Love and prayers,

apeterson said...

This is a pain I cannot fathom. You are loved by many known and unknown who are praying for you and your girls. God is holding you up when all you want to do most is fall to your knees in pain.

Anonymous said...

Jesus - Jane - today.

Birthblessed said...

My 4yo daughter is looking over my shoulder and says, "Mamamia, those are beautiful sisters on there. Those are all beautiful sisters. That is a beautiful family."

William said...

Praise God for the strength He gave you to share with others some of your pain.

For me it shows a parallel with the pain God feels when His children turn away from Him. This is a painful realisation that I have caused Him pain.

I know He Loves me so much - thank you for the opportunity to feel He Loves me so much too.

Barb said...

We are praying for you in Burke, VA that you and your girls and Jane and her biological family would be swimming in God's grace!

Anonymous said...

praying for you and your babies forever dear Katie. god bless you all.

Unknown said...

My prayers really go out to you. What you are doing with this blog is amazing

Tracey said...

My eyes sting with tears. I am praying.

Nell@LoveLetters said...

Through tears I send love and hugs and let you know that I'm praying.

Nell
LoveLettersToJesus

Janine Claire Robinson said...

Katie, I have never met you personally, but you are my sister in our precious Jesus. My heart aches for you reading this post. Know that I am praying for your baby girl. Know that I am praying for you. Our precious Jesus knows how to protect her and safeguard her and watch over her as He continues to guide her into her destiny. I am sending you all my love today. May you find His strength and grace moment by moment through each day. All my love. Janine

Gretchen said...

Katie,

I do not have the words to say. My heart aches for you and your girls. Praying alongside you for whatever needs to be prayed.

Love from Florida.

Sarah Duke said...

Hi, Katie. I found your blog through a friend's blog who is also passionate about adoption. I am so fascinated by you and your work and your story. I went back to the very beginning and read every post from 2007 on. I am thankful to the Good Lord for people like you in this world. What you are doing is amazing. Thank you so, so much for sharing your story with us, and for allowing us to see the miracles lived out by you and your ministry every day. I am praying for you from Louisiana, and I pray that the Lord continues to bless you. P.S. Your babies are beautiful!

Andy and Tamara said...

Katie,
I am so sorry, sending this to you and all your girls. I cannot offer words of comfort in this unbelievable situation. However, what impressed me in your haunting and beautiful post is that your daughter, your sweet Jane, already reflects you. You chose the hard path, the one that took you far away from family and comfort and your dreams. You let God write the story of your life. So few do that. Your beautiful and brave little girl has seen you triumph while living far away from your birth family. She has seen you be brave. She has seen that you seek true wisdom in God's truth and as a result, you are wise beyond your years. Jane is also wise beyond her years. She has seen you completely trust God's will even when it was hard, and she bravely reflected you in those hard moments of wrenching separation. Praying for you...that is all I can do.

Rae said...

With love, and HOPE I will pray for All of your children.

nancygrayce said...

I came to visit your blog from another and stopped to pray for Jane and for all your family. I am praying for the family she is with now that they will come to know the love of Jesus and will change their ways.

Sometimes trusting is so hard!

Unknown said...

Katie
Thank you for the transparency. Even in this God is at work. Your comment about not seeing yourself as a grieving mom really resonated with me. I find myself in a very different place but very similar. May God give you the peace to continue to live in Him.

Charlotte Travis said...

Amazingly blessed by your too hard/ too marvelous post. Thankful for the opportunity to pray for your precious family.

Charlotte Travis
Kennesaw, GA

Anonymous said...

Prayers unite us all....ours with your and all of us in what we call in our faith, the Communion of Saints. We pray Jesus will bring your precious child back to you spiritually if not physically so that you will know and she will know the depth of His great love and of course we will continue praying for her safety and peace and healing for all of you!

Caroline Cone said...

Dear Jesus please go with Jane and help her be a light into the darkness. May her mother see You in her and want You too!

Anonymous said...

Dear Katie,
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. I experienced the same type of loss recently and my heart aches for you. I am praying for you and your girls.

Karen

Stacy Gallego said...

I am praying Katie...Give thanks to the Lord for He is Good! His Mercy endures forever. Psalm 107:1

http://thewordofmytestimony.blogspot.com/2010/11/psalm-1071-oh-give-hanks-to-lord-for-he.html

Christy said...

Thinking and praying for you and your family all the way from Cincinnati, Ohio!

lola said...

I love you Katie but God loves you more.

Anonymous said...

Today is thanksgiving and as I set eatting with my family, my heart is with you and your. May the God of all Love cover you today and forever. Katie to your family from mine, Happy Thanksgiving.
Kelly

Sonya Kramm said...

My heart grieves for you. Praise our Lord that He is still watching over Jane and has a better plan than you can imagine. Thank you for your sacrifice of praise to Him in the midst of the things that are beyond our understanding. You honor Him with your trust and by the way your love all your little ones.

I work in Cambodia and don't have a blog but clicked on your blog via my sister's. I will pray for you daily, for your children and those you love for Jesus sake!

Sonya

Joy Frameworks said...

Katie,
Your words are a ministry to my heart. Thank you.

Your sister in Christ

Karyn said...

My heart breaks for you. I'm praying for you too.

Mardi said...

Praying for Jane,you, and your children. God's will be done. There are no words to heal, I will continue to pray for you all. You are courageous and strong and a women after God's heart. You are my hero Katie.

Pastor Kurt and JoLynn Coleman said...

Katie,

From three years old, I thought I would be a missionary on African soil. Anyone who gave me their ear heard my declaration that I would one day live in Africa, helping hurting children. I went to Bible College as a missions major. Never would I have imagined that instead I would be a lead pastor's wife in a church in the United States. This is where God has placed me nonetheless.

We have five children, two we have adopted from Ethiopia, we minister in our community, but it is so clear to me, I am not even close to doing enough. As I prayed today, I asked God, "Show me how to do more. Shoe me how to be a Katie Davis here and around the world. I'm so unsatisfied." You are my unseen accountability partner, Katie. Your life demands more from me. You live a life poured out as an offering to God and others. Being poured out often leaves you feeling empty and breathless and alone. I know this loss has left you gasping for air.

I love how The Message Bible pens Psalm 34:18..."If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath."

I pray the comfort you offer the suffering day in and day out is harvested into your life at this time. I pray you would be the recipient of someone else's life poured out and God would wrap you in His love today.

My family is praying for you. My brother in law is from Uganda and has family there...right in your town. Our hearts feel knit to yours as do so many around the world. I pray you feel our arms outstretched in love towards you and that our compassion moves us to action on your behalf as well as on the behalf of those hurting in Uganda.

God is so proud of you, Dear One. Strength! Courage! Breathe in the Holy Spirit and allow God to help you catch your breath.

Our family loves you!
JoLynn Coleman
(Pastor Kurt Coleman, Bethany, Brooklyn, Caleb, Joshua, and Julianna)

Unknown said...

Hi!
I cannot pretend to understand the depth of your experiences, but you and your family will be on my heart. If I can offer any encouragement to you, it would be to mention that God's greatest power is revealed in the moments when we are weakest (2 Corinthians 12). Keep hope, sister.

Alisa said...

4 years old.

Instantaneous, heaving sobs overtook me.

My 4 year old daughter lies in my bed right now. My mother heart broke for you.

I'm pouring out prayers for you and your daughters, those both in and not in your home...

Anonymous said...

Wow! You are such an inspiration. We are praying for you!

God Bless!

Jason and Sherri

Anonymous said...

praying for you katie, sending love.

Daniel said...

Katie you don't know me but we happen to share the same Dad. You are an amazing testimony to His loving grace. I know this is months after the fact but I pray from the bottom of my heart that God has continued to pour out His love on you and reminded you each and every day that you are His daughter. And He adores you. You look like Jesus and it is a beautiful thing.

Michelle said...

Only you know your pain, but I can relate. I have lost an 11 yo daughter in a car accident, and just at Thanksgiving had to give up a little girl I had also raised back to her negligent mother for "one more chance". (Her mother is an Ethiopian refugee who was almost deported due to her criminal record) I see your beautiful daughters and I grieve for my Menha as you are grieving for your lost daughter. My heart breaks for you, because injustices like this shouldn't happen. We can only pray for our daughters and hope that the love we gave them will carry them through anything that they will go through, and that the memory of it will give them the strength they need to survive and not lose their faith. I will pray for you and your 14 daughters and hope that God's plan shows itself to us.
Michelle

NTC said...

WOW!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm sooo sorry...praying

Anonymous said...

You people need help. Anyone that CREATES a personal disaster should be put on medication.

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