Tuesday, November 2, 2010



I’ve written this in my head a thousand times. A thousand times, words have failed.

For over a year, I have been mom to 14. Today, my heart is still in love with 14 beautiful little girls, but only 13 of them are in my home. Only 13 are sitting at my table for breakfast. Only 13 are being reminded to brush their teeth. Only 13 are putting on pjs and being tucked snug in bed. Today, only 13 little voices are screaming “happy birthday” to me.

The story is long and intense and messy. And right now, the story is ours to keep and to process. In short, Jane’s birthmother who abandoned her with an auntie when she was just a baby, showed up wanting her child. Obviously, my heart doubted that this would be the best thing for my baby – she’s been mine for two years and was completely uncared for before that. We had everything in our favor. We had all the proof, everything on our side. And custody was granted to the birthmother. It involved horrible things like seeing my baby with her formerly soft shiny hair filthy and matted together and driving six hours home to tell her “twin” sister and the others that she would not be coming home. There were moments that I thought I wouldn’t breathe again, and there still are.

I was so proud of my baby girl. She was so brave. So big. So beautiful. She stuck a flower in her hair and entertained her baby sister while lawyers argued. She held her head high and she tried to smile. She shared her ice cream with anyone who wanted some. She told me not to cry, that it would be ok. She is only 4. I am so proud of her, my baby. So strong.

The Lord is here and He is telling me things and a part of me just doesn’t want to listen. I do not want to be this person. I do not want to be a woman who has to grieve the loss of her child. I do not want to have to walk my children through the sorrow and the trauma of losing a sister. And here I am. I do not want to get out of bed and I do not want to breathe. But I will. I do. For thirteen more.

I looked at her as I walked away and I knew the Lord was telling me that we loved her back to life. I knew He was telling me that she knows His love and that He will go with her where I can’t. We stood in the gap for Jane. We spoke up for her when she could not speak up for herself. I fought. So I trust. I cling to His promises. I believe Him.

People have been praying. So many people praying so hard. And I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I can feel it. I don’t want to feel at peace, I want to crumple on the floor, but I feel my arms being lifted. I know that the loss of a sister will mold and shape each one of my children, but I know the way their mother reacts to it will too. So we sit on the floor and we squeeze each other’s hands and we cry and we beg God for mercy. We beg and plead for Him to keep our little sister safe, happy and strong. We praise Him because He is God, because He knit this family together, because we know and believe that He will be glorified. We ask for your continued prayers. For precious Jane. For us. For what, I am not exactly sure. We will all grieve differently and need differently and God will meet these needs according to his glorious riches. He has already started. I wrote last that my family wants to go to the hard places for Jesus. I had no idea the hard place He was going to take us to. Still, our only desire is that He be glorified.

14 pairs of sandals. 14 church dresses. 14 twin beds. Jesus, fill this emptiness.

I will choose praise. I will choose thanks. I will choose today to put one foot in front of the other with 13 in my home and 14 in my heart.

266 comments:

1 – 200 of 266   Newer›   Newest»
The Story Tales said...

We are praying for you from Bogota, Colombia. We have one biological child and have lost two children to "failed" international adoptions, so I do feel some of your pain although these children were not yet in my home for me to love on. I hope that the prayers coming from around the world and the love and mercy of our Lord will continue to lift you up so you can mother your other 13 children in the marvelous way you're able to. Blessings and peace.

amy said...

I love you dear Katie Davis and I'm praying.

Clay and Tanya said...

Katie,

Oh, I have no words. I am praying for you. Praying that somehow this is not the end.....that someone, somehow, somewhere has the ability to fix it. Oh, yes, we already know "who".

Praying, praying, praying.....
Tanya

The Byrd's Nest said...

Oh Katie....I am so sorry. It is truly times like this when we absolutely have no answers and nothing seems to make sense that the only solution is to fall back on our faith in Christ. My heart and prayers go out to you. I will be praying for your family and for your precious daughter and her future.

phogue said...

I can not imagine going through this experience. I know God is with you and you are a wonderful living example of what it means to trust God and to love him through the tough times. My families prayers are with you!

Monica said...

I can't imagine your pain. Praying for peace for you and your dear children. Praying for Jane.

Ashton said...

Praying for you and your 14 precious children. Praying you all find a peace and grace fills your home.

Hannah said...

Praying for you and your sweet family.

Lisa said...

I so admire your focus on the fact that God's will is perfect. Even though you don't understand, you rest in His will. Prayers lifted up for you and your girls.

A Simple Country Girl said...

Still praying...

Strength, Peace, Hugs, Love & Blessings

amycornwell said...

I'm so sorry Katie! Praying for you and your precious daughters today.

Holli said...

crying for your family.... crying for Jane.
PRAYING for you ALL!!!

We Are Family said...

JESUS, HAVE MERCY!
I pray you woild be lifted up and HE would be glorified.

Karen said...

Katie - on a day when so many in the U.S. are fretting over the elections, as we well should be, I read your post today & think...how unimportant is all our fretting & obsessing over things that don't matter in the grand scheme of things. You have life & death issues happening every day in your own home, & I praise God that he has given you the strength, faith, character & spiritual depth to deal with it all.

I feel your pain for your loss & am praying that little Jane will be a light set on a hill that will shine forth the love of Christ wherever she is. I pray that God will make a way for her in her wilderness, that he will give her a measure of wisdom unlike no other, & that many will come to know Christ thru this miracle child. May He continue to bless you for all you do in His name.
In His Service,
Karen

Elizabeth said...

Oh Katie,

No words I can say will give you peace in this time except that I am thinking about you and your 14 children and saying mighty prayers for Jane and for your whole family. God please continually bless the home with the 14 twin beds.

Elizabeth

Southern Gal said...

Oh,I weep with you during this time. Praying the Lord will show you His care for this little one in tangible ways. I will also pray for healing of your hearts through this grief. You poured love and God into her and she knows who He is. Praising Him.

Sara said...

No words. Only tears in my eyes. A mother's worst fear. May God hold you and Jane even closer...

Tim said...

Katie, I read your blog and am so impressed by the faith, wisdom and strength that is so evident in you. Most people 2 or 3 times your age do not have them at the level you have.

I pray that the Lord will grant you and your precious girls peace in this difficult time. I know you will keep your eyes on Him and He will see you through.

James 1:27 Family said...

I'm am so sorry.

I have walked this painful walk before. I know the sting. I know the pressure on your chest so that you feel like breathing is no longer automatic but something that takes work, that you have to intentionally take in air. I know the pain of looking into my other children's eyes and telling them that their sibling is gone and not coming back. I know the pain of knowing that the child who I love so deeply is now in the hands of a questionable caregiver. It is a deep, deep pain. Some days, I wished he had died so that I would know he was with Jesus instead of the environment that he was in. But like you said, God asked me to trust Him. He asked me to trust Him with the hard things. He reminded me that none of them are mine, they are all His. He has entrusted me with His children for a time, not me trusting them to Him.

It's hard for me to even think of Jane right now. I will pray for her with a very heavy heart. I will ask God to walk so closely with her that she feels Jesus around her every second of every day.

And over time, we healed and you will heal too. And I will pray for all of your hearts.

At the time this happened to our family, I had one other adopted child. He had terrible dreams and he was so scared that he was going to be taken away too. You might see some of this come up with your girls. And God will give you the strength to walk them through it and they will heal. For He who promised is faithful.

Sending hugs wrapped in prayers,
Amy

Chantelle said...

((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))

You continue to be my hero.

Ami said...

Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm sure my words won't do one bit of healing for you, so I'll just say that I am praying for all of you.

Kristen said...

My heart is breaking for you and your girls Katie. Please know you and all 14 are in my prayers.

KT said...

oh Katie, weeping for your family and realizing I have read of SO many grief situations lately with orphans and adoption...it makes me think "we" must be doing something right for Satan to take notice and attack families. I'm not sure how all of that works, but, I do know he doesn't like to see God get glory. Thank you Katie for being an example of faith, even if your heart is being poured out, it isn't in vain, Satan is being robbed by your tears of praise to the Father. I will be lifting up your family and your sweet daughters.

Erica said...

Dear sweet Katie - my heart aches with you. Without words that will bring comfort I'll cover you in prayer. You and your precious girls. All 14 of them. Believing that He has a plan far greater then we could ever think or dream.

He said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Stephanie said...

Praying for peace in your heart. I'm so sorry for this loss.

Casey Martinez said...

I am so sorry. My heart aches for your loss and for the pain that you are feeling as a result. I don't want to say too much and say the wrong things so I'll keep this short. Thank you for being real in your blogging and giving us tangible things to pray for and also for allowing us to see God's work all around the world. I pray that in this awful pain that He would comfort you and hold you until you can stand again. Much love from North Carolina. Your family picture is beautiful!

Chrissy said...

Oh, Katie.
I am so sorry... truly.
I wish there were words that would bring healing, but please feel the prayers coming from my heart.
Praying for sweet Jesus hugs to comfort you, my dear Katie.

Amber said...

Katie...as a mommy I grieve with you. As your christian sister, I pray with you. I am clinging to Him too for you. I prayed so hard not knowing what this was about...and now my heart hurts even more knowing.
I don't know why. It's always the WHYs that get us. The hurtful whys. But He will answer when the time is right and you will feel it deep in your heart and you and your daughters will have peace. This is my prayer. You are all in my prayers as you find a way to comfort each other and as you try to understand and absorb all that has happened. I send you warm, comforting, assuring, tight hugs and I hope that you all feel them. Katie, your heart...I don't know, I can't find words. He will bless you through this. Your his daughter, too.

Love and Hugs and Many Prayers
AmberK

To God be the Glory! said...

Dearest Katie, You don't know me...but I read your blogs often and pray. Though a mom and grandma, I cannot fully grasp your heart pain -- but with some little life experiences and a sanctified imagination I can but a little and so pray.

What come to mind and is comforting to me as a mom is Hannah in 1 Samuel when she turned her precious prayed for son over to the care of Eli - not the best priest and the influence of his bad boy sons would cause any mom to great angst. But in spite of it all, we read in chapter 3 "Now the boy Samuel ministered to the Lord." No doubt Katie, like Samuel, your Jane will minister to the Lord. Samuel and Jane prayed for by their mothers. Samuel and Jane - planned by God for His glory for eternal purposes.

Another mom, Mary was told by Simeon in Luke that she would be greatly hurt... it would be like a sword piercing her soul. But the result of that pain! Salvation of many.

Your pain though I can't even imagine, is not in vain is for God's eternal glory!

Lisa said...

We have been praying and thinking about you and Jane and the girls. As I look over at my four-year-old eating breakfast I feel the pain of your loss. As I look at two of my older children who have been with us about the same amount of time as you had Jane, I understand how deeply I have become their mother and I mourn your loss. Giving your heart away over and over again is always going to open you up to pain. Our Father knows this on even a grander scale than Katie Davis. But He always does. And so do you and that is what makes you His daughter. I am proud to call you sister and I will imitate you in your love, even when I feel your loss. We are so sorry. Rest between your Father's shoulders. You are His!!! We will not stop praying.

Robin ~ PENSIEVE said...

As a mother, my only response is to ache with you and pray for you.

I am s o s o r r y for your family's loss, and I cling to the only hope I know on your behalf--that although it sounds trite, somehow, some way, this is for your good, God's glory and the advance of the Gospel.

With love....

marianne said...

I am so incredibly sorry, dear sister. I cannot fathom the pain.. from every angle of it all.

My family has recently "lost" my once passionate brother for the Lord to a cult that he got mixed up in... he has left his precious godly wife and 2 little girls for a false prophet. The emotional pain that stems from Evil is so great.

When I consider the nightmare you are now living and the nightmare my family is now living... 2 thoughts arise. One is that if I can't have faith and praise God's name in times like these than what is faith? These are times when faith is tested to be true. The second one comes from 2 Corinthians... the first few paragraphs have been LIFE giving to me. Specifically verse 5... "For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."

THANK YOU for continuing to "walk" before a watching world in grace, humility and love. May His mighty arm sustain you in times of clinging to His name that He is good, right, and holy. I will be praying for God's ABUNDANT comfort for Jane, you, and your girls, sweet sister in Christ.

A sister in Illinois,
Marianne

Donnie Manis said...

Katie, I cannot even imagine what it's like for you and your family. But I also cannot imagine the infinite nature of God's grace. I'm thankful that he has m ore than enough for even this. Praying for y'all.

Kelly L said...

Praying for you in Georgia. I do not know the pain you and your sweet daughters are in, but I will be praying for Jane and praying for you all.

love said...

weeping with you, katie. and praying. i promise that i will continue to pray.

may He continue to be glorified.

carrie and brandon glanzer said...

reading this breaks our hearts. we got to meet you in september (at amazima) and spend a lot of time with jane. my husband and my hearts were won over by little jane as she sang songs from sound of music in the van with us. we will keep you in our hearts and prayers as your family grieves this lost.

love, carrie, brandon, kaatri, and maealie glanzer

Daughter said...

We are praying as David said: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever Psalm 73. We will be praying for precious Jane and your home.

Anonymous said...

Katie ... we are saddened by your news, especially since it was only about three weeks ago we had the opportunity to share dinner with you, your mom, and your wonderful family. You and the girls are in our prayers.

Greg and Patti Kerr - AZ

Micah and Christa Forsythe said...

My heart totally breaks for you and I can't imagine the waves of emotion and grief. I will be laboring on my knees for you and praying for a miracle. Our God is a great God - and as I was telling someone today - the hardest thing for me to understand His goodness and sovereignty... Bless you, bless your kids... bless and protect Jane.... Dear Jesus!

andrea said...

OH MY GRACIOUS!
TEARS! I AM SOOO SORRY!!!!
PRAYING FOR ALL 14 OF YOU !!!

YOU ARE LOVED!

Ginny Elizabeth said...

my heart breaks for this story, but i pray i may rejoice. that we all may rejoice in the goodness and love of our Father. He is our protector. He is our provider. He will lead you through this. I do not know you, but I sure see the Spirit in you, in every word you write. Therefore I know you are seeking Him, I know you are walking down the path He designed for you and for all your girls. He's GOT THIS. May we rejoice and take comfort we serve a Father, a relational, loving, Abba. Give Him your fears and doubts, and may He continue to give you strength. Praying for you, the birthmothers, and all your sweet children. God's will. love and blessings.

Jenn B. said...

Oh Katie,
My heart is so heavy for the burdens of your family and your hearts. I have been praying for the woman and family who so changed my ideas of life, faith, family, and love. My prayer is that little Jane will be a light in her new surroundings, bringing many to Christ. I am humbled by your never-ending faith in God's will and His perfect timing. Will continue to lift you and your 14 girls up to the Almighty One!

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you and your 13 girls that are missing their sister like nothing else. And I pray for Jane, who is on her own special mission. May she show everyone she encounters the love of God as you have shown her. Love and prayers from MN.

california_dreamer said...

i am not a mother, nor do i have any sisters. but know that i am praying for all of you and I praise God for your faithfulness and for your willingness to follow no matter where He takes you.

- logan

phil 4:4-24

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only; for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid more than once when I was in need. Not that I desire your gifts; what I desire is that more be credited to your account. I have received full payment and have more than enough. I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God. And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you dear Katie, you are such an inspiration to me and so many.

Love, Katie in Liverpool, England

Anonymous said...

Dear Katie, I'm so sorry, have been praying for you and your precious family and will continue to do so.

Blessings
Vicki

TheHappyNeills said...

Sweet Jesus, have mercy.

california_dreamer said...

i admire your strength and your willingness to follow. I am praying for you and i have faith that He will bring you through this, and that His Glory will be better shown in your life and the lives of your daughters. All of them.

-logan

Lindsay said...

Katie, As I had the privilege to meet you, your girls, and sweet Jane back in August, I saw the fierce love you have for them. It was precious and made an impression on my heart. I grieve with you. May God continue to help you put one foot in front of the other as you walk out His plan for you and the girls. We'll continue holding you up in prayer.

Jim and April said...

oh katie...i cannot imagine how your heart must be breaking...praying right now my friend for you and your girls!

Melissa Irwin said...

praying

Alysa said...

Two weeks ago my husband and I feel in love with 4 little faces on a waiting children adoption site. 11 days later (this past Friday) we learned that 2 of the 4 were no longer available for adoption as their family had taken them back. Oh how I cried. I had never meet them or held them and it had only been 11 days and yet my heart broke. And so I can barely imagine what pain you are feeling after years of caring for your beautiful baby. I must say that she is very blessed to have lived in your home and that of her 13 loving sisters if even for only a while.

I cry for you and pray for you.

Oma said...

Your story touches my heart and strengthens my faith. I will be praying for you and your girls to see Jesus high and lifted up, shinning in the light of His Glory as you model His love even in the valley.

Kelly G said...

I am praying for you, your girls, and for sweet Jane, that the grace of God be upon you all.

Anonymous said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE, the day your mother and your girls would be blessed with your birth

drea said...

Oh Katie, there are really no words to encourage you except for that we are all praying for you. We are lifting your arms when you are tired and praying and worshiping the Lord on your behalf.

We don't know His purpose in all of this, but we know we can trust, even when we feel like we will crumble.

Praying for the God of the Universe to show up and be seen by you and your girls.

I love you sweet sister.

Konni said...

I am so thankful we can fully trust the Lord even when the path He has us travel does not make any sense.

Praying for the pain all of you are feeling deep in your hearts . . . and joining you in prayer for Jane. He will keep her in His care!

May God be glorified in all this . . . He is faithful and true above all else . . . and worthy of our praise in every circumstance.

Keep walking by faith and not by sight (by the Lord's strength and power, you are such an inspiration to us all in this).

In His mighty love,

Konni and family

sara said...

Praying for you and your sweet girls..all 14 of them. For protection, comfort, peace and strength.

Steve said...

My problems seem so smaill after hearing what you are going through.
Last night I almost left my wife because she doesn't want me to care for the children in our city.

But here you are Katie, your story brought to my attention to straighten me out. All I know to say is that God is speaking to me right now to say "I love you Katie". Because you are in the middle of the story and because you cannot see His Ways.... you won't know how it ends, until .... well.... the story ends. Same goes for my story.

Thanks for your heart and your words. The character of a person is most noticed when they are "up against it" and you surely are showing your Godly character. I will praise God with you today and I will continue to pray for Jane and all the children whom you mother. I am a father to many in the inner city here and I ask that you pray for how God uses "Little Ole Me".

Maybe you and I will never meet until heaven, but hopefully we will be able to smile as our Lord whispers "Well done good and faithful servant".

Love and Peace to you in the name of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

Amen....

Amanda said...

Katie, Jane is so precious and her sweet smile and spunky personality is written on my heart. You are such an extremely amazing mother. Your words are full of wisdom. I cannot imagine the ache in your heart. Just know she is "covered". Covered by our prayers and covered by God and His angels.

Praying for justice regardless as that is God's kingdom come on earth. His heart is for true justice.

coffeemom said...

A bittersweet birthday Katie, and yet, even so, filled with Grace...which can bring back the sweetness in full. I will keep this continuing in my prayers and pray for courage comfort peace and perseverance. What a mom you are, and so young even on this, your birthday. Blessings to you today.

Arizona mom to eight said...

Praying for all of you, i tis heartbreaking to lose a child, no matter how they are taken. I feel pain in my heart for your loss and I am so sorry this has happened to Jane and to her mother and 13 sisters.

I will pray for Jane every time I pray for the two daughters we lost 3 years ago. Adoption is glorious, but never without pain.

Patricia said...

Thank you for being so honest about your pain and loss and concern. May God meet your every need. My heart is heavy for you, and I admire you so much for choosing faith, choosing praise...the sacrifice of praise. God inhabits the praises of His people. God bless you.

Kirk Moberg said...

May the comfort that only God can give be with you. Know that your little Jane is alive because of what God did through you and know that God loves her and will take care of her. She takes with her all that you taught her and may she be the shining light now in the place she is. You Katie are an amazing testament of faith in God and may He bless you and your girls beyond measure! Prayers for peace in your heart and soul and hugs to you and your precious girls.

RaVae Erickson said...

Oh Katie,
My heart breaks for you. I know nothing of the great loss you are experiencing, but my heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers.

Sheri O said...

Oh Katie, I know there is no way to take away the pain you are feeling!

I can only hope that Gods' plan for her is to shout His name to all she meets and by her love lead others to Him.

I hope that she is taken care of by her birthmother and if not - that she is able to return to you and all those sisters who love her so much!

I am praying to God to continue to hold you in His hands and to guide you as you mother all your children!

Praying for all of you!
Sheri O.

Kirk Moberg said...

May the comfort that only God can give be with you. Know that your little Jane is alive because of what God did through you and know that God loves her and will take care of her. She takes with her all that you taught her and may she be the shining light now in the place she is. You Katie are an amazing testament of faith in God and may He bless you and your girls beyond measure! Prayers for peace in your heart and soul and hugs to you and your precious girls.

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

No words could express what you feel because our Heavenly Father is the only one. I only take joy in knowing that you rely on HIM! There is sometimes no real joy in anything else. That is when we shout, cry, and beg for grace for those things we don't humanly understand. We are crying with you....shouting out with you.....and praying that God will give you the courage and strength to be the mama you are to be. To fill the void in your hearts with HIM.

Crying because I so wish I could take away this pain.....I can't imagine.....I am so sorry....but we will keep trusting the Lord!

Anonymous said...

Read about Katie and Jane on Gabi Dickinson's FB page. Soooo broke my heart. Agreeing in prayer and believing for our God to intervene...

Father, my heart breaks for this mom and her daughters, the grief that stabs them in the heart each and every day at the absence of little Jane, how does a mother deal with such loss Lord. You designed us to love our children, this mom obeyed and yet her intense and complete love has only intensified the pain of this tragedy. I am lost for words at this story, the only consolation is knowing that you order the steps of your children, always with purpose and blessing in mind.

Father, I ask that you increase Katies faith and her daughters so that they can trust you with all of this that seems to make no sense. Help them to know that you have something so great in mind, magnified so far beyond the seemingly unbearable grief of this separation. It feels like being robbed, it feels unjust and evil, and it is... but you Lord, are able to turn it all around. And we agree together in asking you to do it. Turn this thing around. Restore relationship between this family, make a way for them to remain as a family, in whatever way you ordain it, so that there is complete peace and joy in their hearts rather than heartache and loss.

Move in the life of this birth mother. Pour every resource, loose every voice, so that she will know your great love for her and for Jane. So that she will know the great love of Katie for this child, and for you, and even for those who have caused this breaking and division. You are the God of Miracles, we believe, we trust, we petition you as you have told us to do, and we ask that you intervene and restore this family according to your wisdom and your mercy. This mom is grieving. She is simply being like you.... she is loving her child. You wept over your own, you understand, and you are able to do all things. Bring this baby home to her mom and her sisters. Save this birth mother and bring her into this family to serve them and to be blessed by them.

It all seems outrageous... but the grief and depression of this mom is very real. You know the bitterness she is tasting Lord and the depth of this hurt, protect her heart and mind, prove her like gold, and reward her beyond expectation. This is no small thing to you Lord. It's not just another story on a msg board... you walk with Katie every day, you walk with Jane. You see them and desire to bring them good things right now, right where they are in this moment. Do it Lord we pray. Be it a miracle or the simplest remedy... restore this family and let your name be praised. Let everyone know how great and loving our God is. We thank you and agree with this sister for her sister, our sisters... we as women of God cry out to you knowing that you have not forsaken this mom and baby girl. You have answered even before we asked you to help, you came down from heaven to intervene even before we called for you to come. In the name of Jesus. Amen ♥

Anonymous said...

Father, my heart breaks for this mom and her daughters, the grief that stabs them in the heart each and every day at the absence of little Jane, how does a mother deal with such loss Lord. You designed us to love our children, this mom obeyed and yet her intense and complete love has only intensified the pain of this tragedy. I am lost for words at this story, the only consolation is knowing that you order the steps of your children, always with purpose and blessing in mind.

Father, I ask that you increase Katies faith and her daughters so that they can trust you with all of this that seems to make no sense. Help them to know that you have something so great in mind, magnified so far beyond the seemingly unbearable grief of this separation. It feels like being robbed, it feels unjust and evil, and it is... but you Lord, are able to turn it all around. And we agree together in asking you to do it. Turn this thing around. Restore relationship between this family, make a way for them to remain as a family, in whatever way you ordain it, so that there is complete peace and joy in their hearts rather than heartache and loss.

Move in the life of this birth mother. Pour every resource, loose every voice, so that she will know your great love for her and for Jane. So that she will know the great love of Katie for this child, and for you, and even for those who have caused this breaking and division. You are the God of Miracles, we believe, we trust, we petition you as you have told us to do, and we ask that you intervene and restore this family according to your wisdom and your mercy. This mom is grieving. She is simply being like you.... she is loving her child. You wept over your own, you understand, and you are able to do all things. Bring this baby home to her mom and her sisters. Save this birth mother and bring her into this family to serve them and to be blessed by them.

It all seems outrageous... but the grief and depression of this mom is very real. You know the bitterness she is tasting Lord and the depth of this hurt, protect her heart and mind, prove her like gold, and reward her beyond expectation. This is no small thing to you Lord. It's not just another story on a msg board... you walk with Katie every day, you walk with Jane. You see them and desire to bring them good things right now, right where they are in this moment. Do it Lord we pray. Be it a miracle or the simplest remedy... restore this family and let your name be praised. Let everyone know how great and loving our God is. We thank you and agree with this sister for her sister, our sisters... we as women of God cry out to you knowing that you have not forsaken this mom and baby girl. You have answered even before we asked you to help, you came down from heaven to intervene even before we called for you to come. In the name of Jesus. Amen ♥

Anonymous said...

Father, my heart breaks for this mom and her daughters, the grief that stabs them in the heart each and every day at the absence of little Jane, how does a mother deal with such loss Lord. You designed us to love our children, this mom obeyed and yet her intense and complete love has only intensified the pain of this tragedy. I am lost for words at this story, the only consolation is knowing that you order the steps of your children, always with purpose and blessing in mind.

Father, I ask that you increase Katies faith and her daughters so that they can trust you with all of this that seems to make no sense. Help them to know that you have something so great in mind, magnified so far beyond the seemingly unbearable grief of this separation. It feels like being robbed, it feels unjust and evil, and it is... but you Lord, are able to turn it all around. And we agree together in asking you to do it. Turn this thing around. Restore relationship between this family, make a way for them to remain as a family, in whatever way you ordain it, so that there is complete peace and joy in their hearts rather than heartache and loss...

(continued in next post)

Anonymous said...

(continued from above comment)

Move in the life of this birth mother. Pour every resource, loose every voice, so that she will know your great love for her and for Jane. So that she will know the great love of Katie for this child, and for you, and even for those who have caused this breaking and division. You are the God of Miracles, we believe, we trust, we petition you as you have told us to do, and we ask that you intervene and restore this family according to your wisdom and your mercy. This mom is grieving. She is simply being like you.... she is loving her child. You wept over your own, you understand, and you are able to do all things. Bring this baby home to her mom and her sisters. Save this birth mother and bring her into this family to serve them and to be blessed by them.

It all seems outrageous... but the grief and depression of this mom is very real. You know the bitterness she is tasting Lord and the depth of this hurt, protect her heart and mind, prove her like gold, and reward her beyond expectation. This is no small thing to you Lord. It's not just another story on a msg board... you walk with Katie every day, you walk with Jane. You see them and desire to bring them good things right now, right where they are in this moment. Do it Lord we pray. Be it a miracle or the simplest remedy... restore this family and let your name be praised. Let everyone know how great and loving our God is. We thank you and agree with this sister for her sister, our sisters... we as women of God cry out to you knowing that you have not forsaken this mom and baby girl. You have answered even before we asked you to help, you came down from heaven to intervene even before we called for you to come. In the name of Jesus. Amen ♥

Doug and Ashlee Wylie said...

No words to give to you but know I lift you and your family up to our Lord today...

"be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power"

I do not know you but we are sisters in Christ. I saw your story on Facebook.

Ashlee Wylie

Mom Of Many said...

Oh sweet friend. No words. Only tears and more prayers.

I know when I was only 4 I met Jesus. I met Him in a very real way and I can still remember that day. Sitting crying and understanding the He died for my sins and wanting so desperately to please Him for the rest of my life.

And I say that to remind myself {and you} that no matter where Jane goes, Jesus goes with her...and no matter what she encounters I pray that she will always whisper to Him and hear His tender voice. That He will minister to her aching heart - no matter what!

I am living testimony to that. He who promised is completely faithful. He knows. He allows all this pain...and I am confident that I wouldn't be who I am today without the pain...without the abuse, without the heartache...because He ministered to me through the horrible times...

And I will pray for your Jane and for you and for your girls...Faithful God, still on the throne...loving you all through this seemingly impossible season...

Much love and prayers from Colorado...

Melanie Hollis said...

Katie~ My heart breaks for you and cries out to the Father for you at the same time. I really do know how you feel. It was in my garage, in 2003, that I found a unique and special worship while singing a praise song in my car...the children in the back of the van singing right along with me at the top of their lungs. Suddenly, the presence of the Lord overshadowed us and I began to weep and ask Him to take me to the hard places, to let me know Him more. That moment lasted only minutes, but it changed me. Less than two years later, I almost died when delivering a broken little baby girl who would turn my life upsided down. Little Hopey still has a growing aneurysm in her tiny heart and the doctors continue to question how long she will remain on this earth for me to hold, pet, and adore. Not a day goes by, honestly, that I don't think of that day in my garage....that moment with the Almighty. I spoke in faith that day with praise on my mouth, and He answered me....but not in a way I expected. As a result of His plan, we have adopted little Charlie who also has Down Syndrome and our family actively fights for the rights and dignity of the disabled community. I don't expect my words to bring peace to you today, but sometimes it helps to know there is someone else who "gets it". I have wrestled with God over Hopey's life for 5 years, and I will continue to wrestle until the day He takes her home to be with Him. Like Jacob, I walk differently now, because the battle has been tough. But also like Jacob, I have seen the face of God! Trusting Him even when life makes no sense....LOVE YOU!!! Melanie Hollis

Leah M. said...

Precious Katie,

I was praying about all of this, and asking the Lord that He would give me something to encourage you with... something straight from His heart to you. And He clearly gave me Psalm 91 saying, "All of My promises in Psalm 91 are My promises for Jane". So... here it is:


“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.’ Surely He shall deliver [her] from the snare of the fowler, and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover [her] with His feathers, And under His wings [she] shall take refuge; His truth shall be [her] shield and buckler. [She] shall not be afraid of the terror by night, Nor of the arrow that flies by day, Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. A thousand may fall at [her] side, And ten thousand at [her] right hand; But it shall not come near [her]. Only with [her] eyes shall [she] look, And see the reward of the wicked. Because [she has] made the LORD, who is my refuge, even the Most High, [her] dwelling place, No evil shall befall [her], Nor shall any plague come near [her] dwelling; For He shall give His angels charge over [her], to keep [her] in all [her] ways. In their hands they shall bear [her] up, lest [she] dash [her] foot against a stone. [She] shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, The young lion and the serpent [she] shall trample underfoot. ‘Because [she] has set [her] love upon Me, therefore I will deliver [her]; I will set [her] on high, because [she] has known My name. [She] shall call upon Me, and I will answer [her]; I will be with [her] in trouble; I will deliver [her] and honor [her]. With long life I will satisfy [her], and show [her] My salvation.’ ” Psalm 91

I love you, Katie. Our faithful Father is so good.

Leah Morford

Jenn said...

Praying and crying with you!

Elizabeth C. said...

I am saddened to hear of your loss. I will keep Jane in my prayers, for her safety, health, and love for Jesus to continue.

God bless you!

sharalyns said...

((hugs)) I'm crying for you. I too know the loss of a child, and can firmly tell you that as you turn to our Lord, you will be stronger and more full of faith and love to share with others for walking through this dark valley.

I can also attest to the miracles God works through these times to bring us great joy. (after 4 miscarriages, we are 12.5 weeks along with a new little one. Farthest we've gotten except with our son, and I'm praising Him for each day of morning sickness and fatigue. Each day is one more day with this little one.)

You are a blessing to so many in sharing your life and love.

Michelle A said...

Ohhhhhhh. This is so painful for me to hear, I can't imagine how it must feel for you all. Praying that you will all allow yourselves to grieve and to be there for each other as Jesus holds you close. Praying for God's supernatural protection and provision for sweet Jane.

Megan said...

Crying tears with you. Love and prayers for your sweet family coming your way from Kentucky.

Kim M said...

I've been wondering about this for some time. My heart breaks right along with yours. My prayers are with you and Jane and everyone you touch. You are AMAZING and STRONG even though you may not feel it right now. You are such an inspiration to me. And I look every day for new words from you. I wish you peace and blessings many times over. Huge Hugs to you from Texas!!!

Amy said...

Katie, my heart goes out to you. The thought of losing any of my precious foster children here in Zambia makes me sick to my stomach.

You are in my prayers.

Jillian and Crew said...

I simply can't imagine...parying for you all.

cmnb said...

I grieve with you and your girls and pray that God will ensure your baby girl is well cared and somehow, some way will be returned to you.

Curtis said...

I am grieving with you and your girls and jja jja. Jesus, have mercy, I pray. Holy Spirit, please bring comfort.

Ashley said...

Katie I can not even imagine what you are going through; remain strong in the Lord because His plans are plan "a". My prayers are with you and your family!!!

Accidental Poet said...

Katie I am so sorry.
http://www.literarymama.com/poetry/archives/2009/08/michaelas-song.html

Much prayer,

Susan Plett

I run for said...

Oh, Katie. My heart is breaking for you. The only bit of encouragement I can seem to find is "God IS good and HE DOES good".

Lifting you all up.
Hugs,
Elizabeth

Michael and Gina Spehn said...

"... plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Your faith, and love, and hope, rooted so strongly in the Lord, will lift you up and carry you... and all of your 14 children.

In your joys and sorrows, you are not alone. When you blow out your candles tonight here is our wish for you... peace.

Dionna said...

I am so sorry for your unspeakable pain and breaking heart. I can't fathom it. I can't. I can only fathom that God will give your little one "eyes to see" and untold courage. That He will protect her especially and return her to you in lieu of her being harmed.

But He is God and we are not. The only thing I know is we can trust Him. Even when things seem so unspeakably wrong.

sara @ it's good to be queen said...

oh mercy. this i do not understand. i hurt with you. i will cry out to our Abba Father on your behalf and for your sweet girls...all 14 of them. i'm so very sorry. i pray that you would feel your Jesus' arms so very close and tight around you. so close that you could feel His breath upon you. His breath that will breath life back into you. blessings, sweet sister.

QuicklyHome said...

Your blog is an inspiration to me as well as my 11 year old daughter who now dreams of Uganda.

So sorry for this trial that you are having to endure. We may never know why, we may never see the good, yet He is God, and He chooses good for us always.

So hard to understand.

So so sorry....

Becca Harley said...

dear girl - praying with a heart that is breaking for you all. Praying for His peace, His love, His arms to enfold you all

Ann Marie said...

Praying for you.

Heather Casey said...

Katie, I am so sorry. Sitting here crying and praying for you now. We are going through somewhat of the same thing. The lawyers are fighting it out now to decide if our precious daughters, ages 3 and 4, will remain with us (have been with us for two years) or will go back to their birth family. So...my heart aches for you. Praying hard for peace and joy for you and your girls, all 14 of them.

Heather Casey said...

Katie, I am so sorry. Sitting here crying and praying for you now. We are going through somewhat of the same thing. The lawyers are fighting it out now to decide if our precious daughters, ages 3 and 4, will remain with us (have been with us for two years) or will go back to their birth family. So...my heart aches for you. Praying hard for peace and joy for you and your girls, all 14 of them.

Anne Dye said...

So very sorry to hear of this! Our prayers are with you and your whole family!

Susan said...

I am so sorry, Katie...I have been praying non-stop since you sounded the alert...my heart breaks and my tears flow...I will continue to pray for you and your girls, that you would strongly feel His Presence in the days and weeks ahead. And of course, I will pray for Jane.
Blessings and peace,
Susan

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Summertime said...

Wow. I am heartbroken with you. It hurts to lose a part of yourself, and I am weeping for you. I feel so strongly about you and your journey! I mostly feel helpless to help you. What can we do for you, my dear Katie? What can all of us here in our lives in the states do to help? Please let me know! In the meantime, I'm counting on the Almighty God to carry you close to HIS heart that your sorrow will be short lived. Nothing can compare to the way your life speaks to me. You are a soldier, a servant, a light of hope in this dark world. Your light is God's light and I see you clearly for the treasure that you are. Don't allow the devil to crush you. I am lifting all 15 of you up in prayers wrapped with love and comfort from every part of myself!!! All things are possible through Christ.
Love,
Summer & family

Angel Larsen said...

I am praying for your precious family.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you and your family. What an unimaginable loss, thank you for your faith...God will be glorified, somehow. Tears and prayers for you.

Paige said...

Praying for you. From another mother who is in the midst of the same pain. Glorify Him Katie. He WILL be faithful!

Rebekah said...

oh katie, I am so sorry for what you are feeling. praying for you sweet sister.

Emily said...

Oh, Katie!!! This is hard to bear!!! My the LORD be with you and strengthen you and the rest of your family!!! May HE be your comfort and everlasting strength in this time of pain and struggling!!! May HE give you the strength to go on!!!
In Christ. -Emily W.

Cassie said...

We are praying Katie. Many many prayers. God is working all things together for the good of your family who loves him. He is right there with you. He can protect Jane and he can heal the wounds of her vacancy. He is here..

ShellyO said...

Bless you and your sweet girls. Our family will continue lifting you all in prayer!

Julie Pederson said...

Katie,
I am so very sorry for this loss. I can only imagine the great pain and sorrow for all of you. God used you to change this little girl's world...totally and completely. As much as I don't understand this, I know he is still the God who loves her and changes lives. The tears and pain in my heart for you will keep me on my knees for you, for Jane, and for your other daughters. Lord, keep Katie close and fill her up with you. YOu alone are the great Healer. Give her strength and wisdom. Lord, we ask your mighty protection on Jane. Keep her safe and Lord use her precious life to be a blessing and light to all around her. Our world is so very messed up Lord...a place where justice and good and right don't seem to matter very much. You have called us to something greater and higher, but we still live here where it hurts. Lord, while we don't understand this, we do cling to you, our protector and defender...the lover of our souls.

God bless and keep you, Katie.

Julie

Anonymous said...

Oh Katie!!!! I am crying with you!!!!! And....I am standing in the breach for you and your girls and abundantly for Jane!

Love in Him,
Lisa in Tucson

Linda said...

I am praying Katie that God gives you peace and contentment. I'm praying for Jane's safety, her peace, and her strength. I'm so sorry.

Catherine said...

How my heart is sad and hurts for you. My daughter(in-laws) sister and her husband just came home with 2 darling little girls from Uganda,I can tell from their photos and blog they are thoroughly enjoying. I have had the opportunity to read your blog and admire your determination and Christian Love you have for each of these children. We are asked by God to go and love one another. You have, you have taught Jane, she shall love, she won't forget you, nor you her. God knows where you are each nano second and knows for her and her biological mother as well. God is all knowing, He is in you, you are in Jane, HE is in Jane. Trust HIS LOVE, PRAYERS and LOVE to you my dear.

It Feels Like Chaos said...

So sorry for your pain! Amazed at the wisdom and faith you have! Praying, praying for you and all 14 of your children.

Anonymous said...

I cry for you. We are always reminded, the children we receive are always God's children. You are a wonderful person, I admire your strength and determination, The heart of a mother breaks with the loss of her children. It hurts when they hurt, it cries of loneliness she knows not where to turn for help. God is everywhere. He is in you and is within Jane. You have shown her. In her own small way, she was reassuring you, she would be okay. Trust God's Love. The Lord dis the strength of his people, he is the saving refuge of his anointed. Psalm 28.8 You and your 13 +1 in your heart will all be fine,
With God's Blessings and Peace.....

Cindy said...

This is one blog I didn't want to read...at least not the way this one ended. I can't even fathom what you are feeling and grieving right now. You have been on my mind constantly, and I have been and will continue to be praying for you. I pray that Jane is restored to your family. And I hope that soon and quickly we get to see what God is doing behind the scenes--I guess "behind the scenes" is not a good way to refer to God's work. Maybe I mean what He is doing outside of my line of vision.

Anonymous said...

Oh Katie, my heart breaks for you and the girls. Praying for you and for Christ's continued presence to be very evident to all of you.

Cara Craggett said...

Oh Lord have mercy!
Praying for your heart. for comfort. for strength.
praying for the girls. for peace. for understanding.

Found your blog through my sister Kylee Craggett.

D Cooper said...

May God continue to give you strength and love to carry on as you await some clarity and understanding on this situation. May God orchestrate it perfectly, as only He can, and allow you peace and hope for your futures.
I continue to seek His blessings on your behalf.

Kyrstin said...

I don't know if you get on You Tube, but if you do, here's a link to a song that ministered to me and that I feel may minister to you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnKD8ktFnBc

It's "When I Cry" by the Gaither Vocal Band.

"When I cry, You cry
When I hurt, You hurt
When I've lost someone
It takes a piece of you too
When I fall on my face
You fill me with grace
Cause nothing breaks Your heart
Or tears you apart
Like when I cry..."

You and your family are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I also have a child in my heart but not in my home Katie. So from me to you I send you love and peace. X
Sandie - Australia

Treasures Evermore said...

We are Praying as well.

Anonymous said...

Oh Katie, I am so sorry! I have followed your blog for a long time and you are such an inspiration. I can feel your pain in your post and I am praying that you find peace for you and for the thirteen little ones who may not understand the loss of a sister. Just know that you are in our prayers!

Carolyn
B'ham, Al

Julia said...

Katie, my heart is broken for you, but I know the God we serve is working and weaving a beautiful story with your sweet Jane. Praying for all of you tonight.

Dirk said...

Katie, I don't know you or much of your story, but I'm praying for you and your girls!

Carrie Stephens said...

I have not met you. I have not even seen you. Yet you have my heart wholly wrapped around desiring to see God bring you through your grief. I will be praying for you in Austin, Texas. Grace, peace, mercy and joy to you and all 14 of your sweet babies!

Psalm 37:25
I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.

Wisconsin Farmgirls said...

Katie,
I have heard about you and your story a number of times within the last year or so but only just pulled up your blog for myself about three days ago. I went back through the archives and read all the posts until spring of this year.
Your love for, trust in, and dependency on the LORD is beautiful and convicting! He is using your life to grow me and I wanted to thank you for taking the time to share what He is doing through you as the years go by. It hasnt sounded glamorous but, in spite of the hardships that I cant even fathom, it has sounded beautiful. Our God is amazing.
I have been given a love for you and your family and you are in my prayers the way that a dear sister and her family would be.
Rich blessings to you and yours! God rain down upon you His powerful, sufficient, empowering grace.
A Sister in the LORD
Chelsea

Amy said...

What a beautiful heart you have. I will be praying for you all! May He shower His love and blessing on all of you, and wrap you in the comfort of His arms.

The Mom said...

Oh Katie, I meant you briefly several years ago, but I think the whole world knows you or at least should. My name for my blog is The Mom, but it surely is your name and always will be. Rest when night falls dear one, many all over this earth are praying for you and your daughters. May they continue to be blessed lambs of a loving Father.

sabina said...

Dear Katie, I have never met you but I know you through your blog and my dear sisters in the Lord who know you. I too have lost a child not thru adoption but through cancer. I do not know why God chooses to take them away but I do know his will is perfect and he loves them so much. He is faithful and I know we can trust him. Praying that somehow the Lord will return her to your family, but if that is not his will then strength for you and all your daughterrs. Praying, Sabina

Kylee said...

I really don't have any words...I read this earlier today but am just now searching for the words to comment. I am Praying for your sweet Jane and believing that God will bring good out of this situation. I cannot imagine that grief and pain and my heart has been hurting for you all day.

Hold tight to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

~Kylee

momtomany said...

Two foster girls are still in my heart... I remember that pain and I feel for you. God is a very loyal God and He WILL hold you up, don't ever doubt that. You are such an inspiration... when I'm having a rough day I remember what God is doing in the life of a young lady halfway across the world, and then I know that I have my trust in an amazing loving Father who can do incredible things through His faithful servants. Your little girl will always be in your heart, and you'll always miss her very much, but know in your brain that time is gonna make it easier to live with... just be patient and know for certain that God would never allow a trial more than you can bear. He causes all things to work out for the good. God loves you more than you can imagine. That's a beautiful picture, btw... you have a beautiful bunch of girls; a lovely family.

Janna said...

Praying for you and for your precious 14.

Nancy said...

Praying for your whole precious family, while completely heartbroken with you. Come, Holy Spirit, and bring our sister Katie your peace and comfort.

Reese said...

I am praying for you, Katie! I am so sorry... I pray you all feel HiS arm's holding you.

xo
Reese

Michelle Johnson said...

God says to comfort each other with His words. I am so incredibly saddened by this news but am positive that the Lord does have great things in store for not only you, but also little Jane. Psalm 32:7 says, "YOU ARE MY HIDING PLACE; YOU WILL PROTECT ME FROM TROUBLE AND SURROUND ME WITH SONGS OF DELIVERANCE"

Michelle Johnson said...

God says to comfort each other with His Word, because I feel sometimes that is all we have. We do not understand this and everything about it screams, "UNFAIR". I have found comfort several times this week in this verse. Ps. 32:7, "YOU ARE MY HIDING PLACE; YOU WILL PROTECT ME FROM TROUBLE AND SURROUND ME WITH SONGS OF DELIVERANCE"

Haley said...

Praying for you and your precious family, Katie.

two red heads and two brunettes said...

Prayers sister. Today is my birthday too. Happy Birthday.

Justine said...

In tears for you. I'm so sorry that your "happy birthday" is anything but happy. BUT His grace is sufficient and His arms are around all 14 of your girls.

Teresa said...

Oh sweet Katie. Bless you and those sweet babies hearts. I am just so very sorry. Lifting you all in prayer.

Alicia said...

Oh, Katie. Praying for you and Jane. You both belong to Jesus and are safe in His arms. 2Corinthian 1.((Hugs))

Isabel said...

Praying for you, dear Katie!
It's crazy, all the things the Father allows you to walk through...
As I was praying for you today, I had a picture of your heart being tenderly held by the Lord.
I feel your pain - our foster son of 3 1/2 years (and was supposed to be permanent) is being "claimed" now by his birth mother as well. She's taking a lawyer...
Much love from New Zealand
Soon my hubby and I will be in Uganda - we'll also be in Jinja (Nov.16-20) - would love to visit with you...

Tonya said...

He is glorified in your every word and your walk with him. I love you so much, and thank God for leading me here and allowing me to walk this walk with you and the girls.

We will continue on in prayer.

XO

Debi said...

Wow - reading this brought back such memories of the foster children we had to say good-bye to back in May. It was one of the most heart-wrenching things I have ever done. You love so deeply and you lose so deeply. I know the pain you write of and my heart is aching with yours'. I am so sorry. There is much I could say, but I also know that at this time, words mean little. But, I am praying for you and trusting Jesus to hold you close as you cry and feel the pain. You are feeling the injustice that He feels over the plight of the orphan. Thank you for being His friend....even in the middle of the mess.

shermantheschnauzer said...

I've never commented before, but I think of you often. You are in my thoughts and prayers. There will be a day with no more tears as one of my favorite songs says. Thank you for mothering all the children who cross your path. THey need every ounce of love they can get. Hugs for Katie.

Josn said...

Somehow, someday, I feel sure you will be together again. I hope that day is soon. Praying for all of you.
Joan from Australia

mamamargie said...

Oh, I am so sorry. Only in eternity will we know the reasons why. But I feel your pain today and am keeping you in prayer.

Anonymous said...

Dear Katie, You are right to trust Him. Be brave and fight the good fight. He will give you the desires of your heart, keep on desiring. Maybe not in this earthly life, but soon. He is coming soon to wipe away every tear. Praying for you in Brentwood.
Mona

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you from Brentwood. He is coming soon to wipe away every tear. Trust Him, lean not on your own understanding. Mona

rachel said...

I woke up early this morning and whispered a prayer on behalf of your family before I even read this latest blog. The only thing I keep coming back to is that He loves her even more than you, He gave his life for her too. I will continue to pray.

God is good...all the time.

Jen said...

Katie, we came close to losing our two this year with their birth mother several times. My heart aches for you as does the heart of our heavenly Father. It is my prayer that you and your 13 feel the love of so many and their prayers lift you through this time and the difficult days ahead.

misscalloway said...

Love you and the girls, Katie. I am asking Him to carry you. and the girls. His favor is on Jane's life. Asking Him to make a mighty woman of God out of her, and to be merciful and gracious enough for you to have peace. No words for this kind of pain. Just Jesus.

Diane said...

Katie,

I read your post stunned...and I felt a wealth of emotions...anger, frustrations, disbelief, injustice...at the situation. The very end of your post brought me immediately to the lyrics of a song..."Desert Song" by Hillsong. Please read them and be encouraged:

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here


And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Love and prayers sent your way,
Diane from CT

Leah and Tony Beasley said...

I can nit imagine what you musr feel right now. I a the mother of 10. I just adopted 3 special needs baby from the Ukraine and like I said, I can not imagine the pain of loosing one of them. We will be praying for you in your time of loss. God answers alll prayers. You are an amazing person doing what God has asked you to do. God Bless You, Leah Beasley

shelley said...

From one grieving mother to another I am so sorry. Your words are so encouraging and so true. I know that writing them and believing them seems impossible, but He will continue to give you His grace. Your family and lives are such an example.

susanna said...

Prayers are w/ you and your girls always. I love reading your blog. So inspiring. God is using your life for something big. Blessings, Susanna

Penelope said...

So sorry for your loss! Would love to hear more of your adoption story!
http://foster2forever.blogspot.com

mbs said...

Wow...what a shock. We are lifting you and your girls in prayer. May God give you the peace htat passes understanding. May little Jane bring the love of Jesus with her into her new circumstance. May He provide all that your family needs right now.

Shanny said...

From one mommy to another...my heart breaks for you, Katie. I am so very sorry your precious family is going through this. Lifting you and all 14 of your dear children up in prayer.

Brittany said...

Katie, I have no words for this. All I can say is that you are still little Jane's mother whether or not you gave birth to her. You saved her. As you said, you loved her back to life. I am so sorry that this has happened. I'm praying for you and your daughters as you get through this. If God brought you to it, He can bring you through it :) We all love you!

Jaime said...

Katie-

I am so sorry... Still praying.

Liz Caro said...

My heart is aching for you, for your daughters, and for Jane. I am praying. I am trusting that God hears us. Im trusting in His great plan for her life! He is faithful and YOU are so strong. I can't believe how strong God has made you.

Praising God for who He is... Pleading to Him on your behalf.

Blessings.

Aimee said...

this isn't the "Christian" thing to think and certainly not to say but sometimes it really feels like God screwed up...that somehow He took His eye off the ball and something went wrong that wasn't supposed to.

and then, one day (sometimes many years later unfortunately) we see His Divine Plan.

praying that He holds you and comforts you and your girls and that He "encamps his angels around and about Jane lest she dash her foot against a stone."

much love and many prayers - ADC

lisawilliford said...

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I am saddened and encouraged and uplifted all at the same time. I am praying for you and your 14 children that God will answer prayers, and that He will place a hedge of His almighty protection around them, and that He will place her back into your arms. Prayers for You!!

Maureen Evans said...

Amazing story. You are an amazing woman. Your words of love, wisdom and courage lifted me.

"By witnessing His courage, His humility and His faith in the power of His art I have learned the dignity of being loyal to something you believe in, holding on to it and above all else believing without question that it will carry you home."

When I read this I think of you, your family and your daughter being home with you all.

From a full heart... said...

Oh Katie, there are no words. You are all being lifted up by so many.

Andrew and Esther said...

Praying for you and your sweet baby girl.

Amy said...

Psalm 139:7-10

"Where can I go from your Spirit?Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast."

Praying, sweet Katie, that you are sensing His right hand holding you fast. Just as He is precious, beautiful, smiley Jane. He is everywhere she is, with His arms around her and His eyes upon her. Begging God for His comfort to seep in all the cracks of your heart. Love you.

Ethiopia here we come! said...

We are praying from San Jose, CA. I pray that God will continue to surround you with His love. I pray that God will continue to use you for His glory.

Alyssa said...

I too am grieving as we have gone from 7 to 6 pairs of sandals in our family. I feel your emptiness and loss in loosing a child. Adoption is a blessing and yet comes with pangs of difficulty that can not be forseen. It has been hard to see the path that we thought we were traveling for this child change into something so completely different. I appreciate your insight into your family and hope it will be a help to our children to know we are not alone in the hard places we are asked to walk for the sake of another.

God's Girl said...

My heart aches for you! I know the Lord will never leave you through this heart wrenching time. Love to you my sister!

Julie

Summer said...

I generally am a silent follower but today I am a mother who can not fathom the pain and loss you are enduring. I can't imagine losing my child (I too have a 4 yr old girl)or being strong enough to comfort my other two children. You are strong, amazing and wonderful. May the Lord wrap you in light and love and comfort you and your precious children. Praying for your sweet family.
Blessings,
Summer from SC

Williamsfamily said...

I am praying for you Katie. My family had an adoption of a daughter fall through and I well remember the night I lay in bed telling God that I could not give her up and that He had to take care of me... and He did. Healing is as beautiful as pain is as difficult. In a few weeks to months we will be coming to Ethiopia to adopt a daughter. I cannot explain the reasons God had for the first adoption to go so far then fail, but my heart is strong again and I look forward to the future with our next daughter. My heart still loves our first daughter, because "love NEVER fails". My son told me " Mom, we planted the seed God gave us, He will cause it to grow in her heart." Hang on, days will get better, and God will reveal His next step to you.

scrappingma20 said...

I am also praying for you and your family. Our family was also in a failed adoption of twins girls. We had them for 17 months. I know how hard if is for a mom and siblings. My prays

clrearfaith said...

My heart cries for your family. I am one of 13 children, two of which are addopted from Ethiopia. I cannot imagin losing one of them. I am praying for you, your family and especialy for Jane.
God Bless!
Your sister in Christ,
Clara Faith (Colorado)

Nancy said...

Oh, Katie! Sorrowing with you...trusting God for His promises...praying for each of you, especially Jane. Hard...definitely one of the hardest walks of all, to lose a child. I know...been there...done that...prefer NOT to walk that road again...and it was a niece, not my own...but still...gone from us, leaving us broken. Love and hugs to you all!!!

Nancy in CT (mama to ShaoXi)

Jayme and Genevieve said...

Prayers are going before out Father for your beautiful family!

Barb G said...

(((((Katie))))), praying for you and your girls. Praying God's protection for Jane. May He hold each of you especially close. I'm so sorry.

Karin Katherine said...

I know its not the same to say I "almost" lost my daughter too. But I have to tell you that I have walked your grief. Through a domestic adoption in the USA I have spent the past 2 weeks agonizing over relinquishing my daughter to a dangerous and abusive situation. I have agonized over how on earth I would tell her 4 brothers and sisters that the baby I told them was their sister FOREVER, is now not.

Its ironic, in the USA with domestic adoptions birth parents can get letters, pictures and visits as part of their adoption agreement. In a failed adoption situation I would have gotten NOTHING.

I can tell you that as I lay on the public bathroom floor bawling my eyes out on the phone with my mom I said these words: "Mama, I want to praise Him, but I just cannot. I don't get this grief and agony and I don't see any good reason for this"

My sweet mother (who adopted me at 38 years old)is also a Pastor's wife. As she cried with me she told me that Jesus was grieving along with me. We aren't expected to be perfect. It's okay if we DON'T understand or Don't praise Him in the moment----as long as we at least know that we should, or WISH that we should.

I don't understand your story. I don't understand how or why this happened...But PLEASE, just take it to Jesus. He does care that you are hurting. Sometimes He puts you through something to save someone. Maybe the birth mother?

It was our daughter's birth father who was destroying our adoption. In the end, there was a moment when I realized that we were called as a church family to minister to him, and through all of this the pain, agony, misery, and FEAR we were put through was to bring him to that place, at that time to meet 2 men who are mentoring him today.

He finally signed.
Our adoption will be finalized on December 15th.

Don't lose hope sweet Katie.

I will be praying for you.

PS
You can always email me if you want to hear more or discuss. I know you have many others, so who am I? But I wanted to offer.

Anonymous said...

I love what you have done, and I am praying for you and your family!

Anonymous said...

You are in our prayers. God bless you!

Jenna and Natalia, Knoxville, TN

Dawnelle said...

I lost a baby after a year- we had her from birth to age one, and she went back to her birth mom as well. Nothing could have prepared me for the heartache. Two years later, I miss her still, but I am now resting in the knowledge that God's plans are so much bigger than my own. We now have four children that we are raising (in addition to our three bio children) and I am so blessed. SO blessed. When I took "our" baby home to her birth mom, I felt that nothing would ever be right again, and that life should just stop. But it didn't, and I'm so thankful.

Vicky said...

My heart aches for you. I can't imagine how you and your girls' feel right now. Please know that I am praying for your comfort as well as for the safety and security of Jane. I pray that you all will be able to see her again and that when you do she will be the wonderful, courageous little girl you taught her to be. With love from IA!

courtney; me, life, romania said...

Katie,
I found your blog through Joyce Howerton and I just wanted to encourage you in the grace and love of the Lord and of His peace that passes ALL understanding! I was encouraged myself as I read this entry... but I did have tears as well since it brought back memories a little baby girl that lived with me for 3 months 6 years ago. Her mama also came back and took her and it too a long time for me to visit her with our tearing up as my heart was breaking. I know every story is different and God's plans for us and your girls and this little one is all in a plan of His own unique design; but He is faithful (even when the days seem like years...especially in the beginning) but now I know this little girl was supposed to go home and be there to be and show Hope to her mother and family and a second chance just as she was given in life. And the spirit of the Lord and love that was given from you and your home will stay with her...God is good! But love and comfort today for you all! May His joy be your strength today!

Dewana said...

I will be praying for you also back in the States. You have much courage and faith, and God will be with you and your family always. You are in deep pain but nothing that God can not heal. Jane has the best Father with her always. She also knows she has a loving family that thinks of her everyday. Always turn to God. The Lord knows you are sad but you will be well. Your sisters and brothers are praying for you. God Bless tremendously!!!

fullplatemom said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. May God hold you close as you heal. We have lost two adopted children this way. The pain becomes bearable, but the hole that child leaves in your heart will never fill in. They take a little piece of you with them when they go.

Hugs and prayers.

Steve Hoffmann said...

Jesus cried, "My God, my God why have you forsaken me," even as he knew he and the Father were one.

As if God is hidden. We pray like we are beating on heaven's door with bruised knuckles in the dark.

The psalmists wrote:
God, whom I praise, break your silence. Ps 109:1
I call to you for help, praying to you every morning: why do you reject me? Why do you hide your face from me? Ps 88
God my rock, why have you forgotten me? Ps 42

Reverence and disappointment, hope and despair. All at the same time.
Like them we shake our fist at God one moment and praise him the next.
It is all in God.

He gives us darkness, and nothing of our normal life comforts. We hold to God when it makes no rational sense to do so. This is faith. We weep, we scream, we rage, we praise and still we hold on. This is faith. And God is in it all.

And we together will weep and scream and pray and praise with you, until God moves you through the darkness.

Steve Hoffmann

jen said...

God heals hearts, and I will pray that he will mend yours . . . and hers. I'm so sorry!

Anonymous said...

My mother was a baby in the depression and she was taken in by a wonderful woman and raised as part of the family "unofficially" and at age 12 her biological mother came and took her away.My mother had no idea until that day that she was not the biological child of the parents that were lovingly raising her. She was forced to work and unloved by this woman but she came to know the Lord in a deeper way than most through this pain. My mother has turned out to be the best mother in the world and she loves the Lord and many people love her dearly as they have watched her live through many other difficulties. Muscular dystrophy has debilitated her but she is used to difficult things and is strong enough to handle it and trusts that she is being carried and loved by Jesus just as she was when she was taken away. Just to let you know my mother went back to her sweet loving family on her 18th birthday and those relationships were restored. Praying for you as you suffer and praying for daily strength!

Anonymous said...

My heart bleeds for you, I know what it is like to be apart from my children and I know what its like to raise a baby and in seconds because of another persons decision your heart breaks. My prayers are with you and all 14 of your girls. May the one little one that is no longer in your home be blessed with your love from afar. You are an amazing women and mother. I shall pray for you all. I one day hope to meet you, I hope in the near future to one day travel with my cousin Vernon Mike to help in Gods work. Many blessings.

Anonymous said...

Katie,

With tears in my eyes, I will be getting on my knees to pray! You constantly amaze me.

Christy Elrod-Church

Anonymous said...

Hello Ms. Katie,
My heart is aching with you and Jane. We also had our little 4 year old daughter return back to a birth parent after raising her for 2 years. But our God is an amazing God and He is in control. Our little girl is now 9 and her mother has graciously allowed us to be her legal guardians. I share this only as hope for you that God is not finished here. He loves Jane more than anyone. He is her Father, Provider and Protector. This is not the end of the story...We will be praying for all of you.
Love in Christ

MamaFoster said...

I am on the other side of the world, crying, broken heart because we just had the same thing happen - just in the United States foster care system instead of where you are.

My precious daughter of 16 months was retuned to HER biological mom.

My only purpose in commenting is this.

I too have been beating on God's chest asking HIM why HE let her be returned to a place that is not safe. He showed me how much HE had used her in my life, how loving her and loosing her was PULLING me into HIM and then HE said "Imagine how much I can use her in their lives."

When I thought about what HE has been doing in my heart since just knowing her I see that she is an instrument of HIS that needs to be doing HIS work.

When you mention what a sweet, brave girl your daughter was it made me remember that.

I am so sorry you are sad. It hurts so so much. Thankfully God heals.

I don't know you sister, but I love your heart and what God is doing in your life.

Elysa said...

I can't even imagine the pain you all are going thru but am praying for you this morning.

Shauna said...

I am so so very sorry. I am praying for you and your 14. The Lord will use Jane in amazing ways. He is with her. Directing her path. Securing her future. Whispering love notes into her ear.

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17

Dianne said...

Oh, dear Katie. The tears fall and I grieve with you for little Jane. I don't understand either, but I'll pray with you and for you and, most especially , for little Jane.

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Oh. So. Sorry.

Oh. So. Hard.

Praying for you!!!

A year ago, I was the "mother of 13".
Now, I am the "mother of 12".

I do understand the pain of having to give up a child. I do understand the feeling of not wanting to even get out of bed. I do know the overwhelming task of helping ALL of the other children grieve, each in their own way.

God will pull you through. As only HE could have pulled our family through.

God will bring peace to your grieving heart (and those of your girls).

Keep TRUSTING. Keep stepping out in FAITH. Keep doing ALL that the LORD has called you to do. He will give you the strength.

BIG HUGS ... from a mama who understands.


Laurel :)

Alisha said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. 3 weeks ago we brought our adopted son home, and two days later the mother took him back. Our hearts were broke and still are... in those two short days God knit our hearts together as a family. I can't imagine how hard two years would be. We know there is a time for everything... including mourning, even though we know God is sovereign and has His reasons. All this said, thank you for your words. They were encouraging to us and a beautiful reminder.

Laine said...

I have been praying for your family since you posted that request, having no idea what was going on. But God knew. Now I am praying specifically for His peace that passes all understanding to fill you and your sweet girls. And Jane.
Sending hugs and praying you see God move in an unmistakable way. May He give you a glimpse of how He is taking care of your baby girl.

Enjoy Country Living said...

Oh katie, I'm so sorry to hear this.My heart is breaking for you and your girls. I had to leave the computer to do other things so I could type. But God will use this for his glory you are right. Something good will come of this for sure. Also we don't know that this is the end.Wait on the Lord and be strong. Wait to see what good comes of this and where it may lead. You have led her right and she will use this and she may bring others to Christ. be confident in yourself, your little girl and Yah. God Bless you and you will remain in my prayers. Love and hugs to you all..♥

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